"Okay. You can move, I'm okay." He still looked unsure. He frowned for a long time and hugged his new bunny, deep in thought before looking up at Yoongi. "Hyung, do I annoy you?" His mommy always said he was annoying and in the way. Was that why Yoongi had to leave? Cause he was annoying him. "I can learn to dress and tuck myself in." He could try to do it all by himself and then he'd be a good brother.
"My appa said the same thing, you know? He used to think spending any money on me was stupid and I had shoes coming apart, you know? Don't listen to mean appas, they're always stupid." Namjoon ruffled Tae's hair and lead him over to the legos, just so he could see what he meant. "These are legos. See, look, you can have all kinds. Knights, city, dragons, star wars. It's cool."
"No! You never annoy me. Tae does sometimes." But even that Yoongi said with a smile so that Jungkook knew that annoyance, with him, he didn't mean it the way Jungkook had heard it from people before. "And I like helping you! I want to keep doing that." He smiled and hugged Jungkook suddenly, looking at him. "If I do get a new room, it would be right next to the one you are in or I'm not doing it. Only doing it if I can go cuddle you all the time and you can come see me a lot. Or I'd miss you too much!"
"You are a good appa." Temporarily overwhelmed - a thing that could easily happen when talking about his father - Tae wrapped his arms around Namjoon's leg and hid his face against him so no one could see him cry. "My appa." He didn't want to ever be away from Namjoon, Namjoon was the best appa. "And I want the dragons."
"Good." Jungkook held onto him, tight and desperate. "Cause you should miss me, I'm your little brother." Yoongi was special, he was the first. The first to be nice to him, the first to want him, the first to properly cuddle him. He needed him. "If you get your own room then can we put up the bouncy ball thing and play?"
He supposed him having his own room was kind of cool.
Namjoon slowly crouched down and pulled Tae into a hug, rubbing his back a little. "I'm your appa. And you're my little boy, yeah? Forget your old appa, just me. Okay?" He reached out to grab the biggest and coolest looking dragon one, putting it under his arm but not breaking the hug. "I love you, TaeTae."
"Yes, we could. And then you could throw the ball a lot, we can practise together. And I can play keyboard and you can listen, the others won't disturb us like they do now." None of the others really had their capacity for just sitting still and quiet with each other. "You are my little brother! My Jungkookie."
Tae turned his head to look at the package Namjoon had picked up and nodded approvingly, reaching out to stroke the image of the dragon on it. "I think if I met a dragon, I'd say hello and then maybe we could be friends. What would you do with a dragon?"
"Probably run away, I'm a coward." Namjoon smiled and took Tae's hand, gently pulling him along so they wouldn't spend their whole shopping trip cuddling in a lego aisle. As he came over, he grinned at Yoongi and Jungkook, who were discussing the basketball set. Cool, Yoongi got a toy too. Saved him the effort of pushing him. "Okay, all my boys have their toys. Good! Let's get going to the book store, come on."
He reached out to ruffle Yoongi's hand fondly, smiling at him playfully as he headed towards the check out. "You can help us make Tae's lego tonight, it's so cool."
"It looks really cool," Yoongi enthused to Tae, who grinned and started bouncing along, feeling especially happy since it was Yoongi-hyung that had said it was cool. That had to mean it really was cool.
"Kookie, Namjoon-appa showed me the whole world! And all the stars! There are balls that have them on them. But they are not for playing, just looking."
Jungkook, never one to miss something out of the ordinary, frowned as he held up his bunny to Namjoon so he could buy it for him. "Namjoon is your appa?" When did that happen? Wasn't he hyung? Now Jungkook was confused. He looked back at Yoongi, his confusion obvious. "Is Namjoon an appa?"
"I am an appa. If Tae wants me to be then I am." Namjoon explained simply as he pulled out his wallet, sparing Jungkook a smile. "Doesn't mean I have to be your appa, that's up to you. I'm happy to be an appa to all or just TaeTae. Won't change anything."
"You can say appa, if you want to." Yoongi shrugged, not quite sure what to do about that himself, but wanting to reassure both Tae and Jungkook that everything was all right. "He takes care of us and he's nice, so he's like an appa? I'm a hyung. Still a child."
Tae frowned as he tried to wrap his head around that, then he nodded. "I like that." Mostly he liked that he hadn't been wrong to call Namjoon appa, he had been afraid Yoongi would say that.
"Yoongi is my boy too. He's your hyung but he's tiny. So he's mine to protect and care for. My boy, just like Tae and Kookie and all of you kids. God knows, someone has to take care of you all." Namjoon laughed, grinning down as he inserted his card and paid for their toys, taking the bag off the cashier with a smile. "Hey, do you think my boys are handsome?"
He gestured at his kids and Jungkook blushed, hiding against Yoongi's leg. The cashier cooed and then looked at Yoongi with a smile, finding the kids cute and the conversation even cuter. "They're all very handsome. You must be a proud father."
"I am." Namjoon waited for the kids to come over before shrugging. "Rule one about me being your appa? I'm a dorky dad. I'm gonna embarrass the hell outta you all so get used to it now, yeah?"
"...that was so embarrassing." Yoongi was still blushing and he pulled Jungkook up, lifting him back into his arms to cuddle and to keep safe from all that dorkiness. "He's an appa, but he's not cool." That much was for sure.
Tae seemed a lot less bothered, just grinning and singing a little song to himself, a song that included the repetition of 'I am handsome, we are handsome' and then mostly a lot of different random syllables. Off in his own world again.
"Where's the bookstore?" Yoongi looked around, ready to follow Namjoon. "Are you buying books for you too?"
"Of course I'm buying books for me. This is my favourite thing to do." Namjoon's excitement was hard to miss as he hurried ahead to the book store, making sure that he didn't lose Tae because when he was in his own world, he got lost sometimes. "TaeTae, keep up."
Jungkook watched Tae and giggled, clapping along to his song and then looking curiously at Namjoon. "Are you gonna get a duckie book too?"
"Nah, I'm gonna get a book on cognition and --" Wait, he was talking to kids. "I mean, just, silly adult stuff. The duckies sound better."
"What's cognition?" No, Yoongi didn't know what the hell Namjoon he was talking about, but he didn't like being dismissed as a kid. He got stuff! He was smart, his teachers said so too. Not that he needed them to tell him. "Is it like recognition?" He was trying to figure out how the word might work.
Tae decided that cognition talk was boring, instead grabbing Jungkook's hand and dragging him over to the easily identifiable kids book area, with brightly coloured small chairs and tables and a few toys as well, but mostly lots and lots of books, quite a few on them duck themed. "Whoa, so many!"
"A little bit. It's part of it, I guess. It's processing sensory information from your environment into knowledge." Jungkook blinked. Was Namjoon even speaking Korean right now. Way too many big words, he didn't get it. "It's basically just thinking and how your brain works, I guess. I was thinking recently about retraining some parts of my brain and then I realised I should really just read up on cognition."
Of course, because that was a normal thing to do.
Jungkook sat himself on the floor, also bored by all the big boy talk and happily pulling out the duckie book, gesturing at Tae to read it to him. "What happens? What happens?!"
"So you want to change the way your brain works, right?" Yoongi didn't understand every single word, but he hoped that he was getting the gist. Namjoon was smart, he knew that, he wasn't the best at toning down his language, but Yoongi didn't mind that. He wanted to understand everyone who talked to him. "Why do you want to do that?"
Tae opened the book and sat beside Jungkook, slowly starting to read to him. He wasn't that avid a reader yet, so after the first two words he just switched to narrating what he saw on the pictures on the page. Worked too!
"Cause I have a lot of -- bad thoughts? I guess. Anxieties and worries. I get in my own head. I want to try not doing that any more. That's always the issue, you know? The smarter you are, the sadder you are." Namjoon smiled a little, not really wanting to lie to Yoongi and pretend like he was fine. Being sad, having flaws, they were important for Yoongi to see in an adult. Even if he wouldn't let it impact his duties. "Jin suggested I try cognitive behavioural therapy so I thought I would."
"Taaaaaae, you're reading it wrong. The duck isn't a ninja, it's a duck!" Jungkook pouted and shoved Tae a little, not really intent on hurting him. "You gotta read the story! He's a duckie, not a ninja."
"Okay." Yoongi nodded, frowning. "Where are those books?" He had a feeling he needed them too. "I will read them." Then he could do that cognitive behavioural therapy thing. Or whatever it was. He knew he should go and read to Jungkook, but this seemed quite important too. "I get in my own head too." And then he couldn't sleep properly. Among other things. Maybe this was why he was so sad sometimes? Bad thoughts. Yeah, it made sense."
"Okay! But a duckie can be a ninja too, you know? Ninja duckie." Tae made a ninja move and then tried to tell the story a bit more the way it was actually pictures. He knew Jungkook needed things to be the way they were sometimes.
"Yeah, it's not great. I always second guess myself and I have these days where I just don't wanna, I can't sleep and urgh, it can be hard. Especially when you got a lot to worry about." He had a feeling that Yoongi might feel the same, maybe it'd get him to talk if he knew that Namjoon had the same flaws. He put his arm around Yoongi as he guided him over. "Maybe we could do it together, train our brains. Next time we're both up at 4am hating ourselves, we could find a way to chill and practise self love." Wait, that sounded dirty. "... Man, it's so hard to talk about loving yourself and not sound like you're jacking off."
"If the duckie is a ninja then why is he getting picked on by all the other birds?" He hoped that soon the duck would be happy. He put his thumb on his mouth and looked at the book, clearly lost in the tension of the cute ducks struggles. He looked at Tae, clearly worried and mumbling around the thumb in his mouth. "Is he gonna be okay?"
"I just write a lot. But it doesn't always help. Sometimes it just means it's on the paper, but still in my head." So many thoughts and worries, so many memories. So much more all inside him and then Namjoon talking about jacking off. He made a face. "Hyung, if you talk like that, people will know you are a pervert." Yes, he just said 'know' instead of 'think'. Small, but savage.
"He's gonna be!" Tae had no idea, but he assumed, studying the page. "They are making fun of him cause he's different. So they say he's ugly. But..." Tae turned the page, just to check. "Now he's sad... I'm sure he'll be good at the end though."
"... Hey!" He playfully shoved Yoongi and then got him in a headlock. "I'm your appa, brat. Don't call me a perv." He let go of him, smiling as he picked up a mental health book and shoved it at his chest. "You better fix that mind of yours, going around and talking to your hyung like that. No respect."
Jungkook was nervous. Yoongi always knew if it ended good or not, always promised him and assured him. Tae didn't know and every page, he just kept getting sadder and sadder. "His mommy didn't want him..." Jungkook's lower lip wobbled. "Cause he's ugly?" His mommy didn't want him, was it because he was ugly too?
"I respect, I respect." Yoongi laughed and ruffled his hair to get it back in order, then looked at the book Namjoon had shoved at him, inspecting it curiously. "I wish it was easy to be happy. I think I don't have the talent."
"Oh, but he's not ugly! Look how cute he is." Tae sensed the distress and so he kept turning the pages quickly. "Oh, and look, he's growing all big! Look how pretty!" Tae stopped at the page where the bird had turned into a beautiful swan and let Jungkook look at it. "See? All beautiful!"
"You'll get there. When I was a kid, I thought I'd always feel like hell. Like I was lost in a blackhole. You get through it." Reaching out, he placed a hand on Yoongi's shoulder. "You just have to be patient and work with me. I know it's tricky. It's hard for me too but I want you to be happy and I'll do all it takes. For you, Jungkook and Tae. All of you."
Jungkook settled but he did cry, wiping his eyes with his sleeve and sniffling. The duck wasn't love until he got better and was prettier. He had to work hard and be perfect or no one would love him. "Tae, do you love me?" He looked at his big brother and leaned into him."Am I pretty?"
"Okay, I will work with you." Whatever that meant. Cognition, Yoongi supposed. "I will work on my head." He held up the book that Namjoon had handed him, nodding very seriously. "But now we have to check on the kids." He was a responsible guy.
"You've always been the prettiest! My Kookie." Tae hugged him close. "You know what matters the most? How you are on the inside!" Luckily, Tae had absorbed a lot of wisdom from years of watching cartoons. "And you are beautiful on the inside and a cute little bunny on the outside. I love you so, so, so, so, so, sooooo much! Ever since I've met you."
Namjoon walked over with Yoongi and raised an eyebrow, coming around to look at the book, wincing. Ooh, poor choice. "That book is brutal, huh?"
Jungkook turned around, sniffling and crying a little as he got up, running to Yoongi and hugging his leg, talking so fast that a lot of his words got smushed together or lost in gasps but if Namjoon heard it right, he definitely was upset about the duckling. Namjoon came over and sat down next to Tae, smiling at him. "We're you being a good hyung? Taking care of Kookie, such a big boy."
Yoongi crouched down so he could take Jungkook into his arms and hug him close, frowning as he tried to put together just what had upset him so much. Oh. Oh, that made sense. "It's just a story, Kookie. Shall we read another one?" Damage control was important. Yoongi scanned the categories the books were in and quickly picked up one of the ones that was about making friends. That should be nice, right? "Look, Kookie, so many different animals! Can you find the crocodile? There is a duckie too! And a bunny."
"I didn't mean to make him cry..." Tae looked distraught, rubbing the back of his head. "I'm sorry!"
"It's okay, you didn't do bad. That book is a nightmare. Kookie is just a little tired and so, he's bound to get upset. You were such a good hyung." He pulled Tae into his lap and kissed the top of his head, bouncing him a little. "Well done for showing him how pretty the duckling can be. You're smart."
Jungkook rubbed at his eyes and pointed at the crocodile, trying to be a big boy and stop crying. He pointed at the bunny next and then rubbed at his eyes. "I'm pretty. Tae said I'm pretty." So he had to be kept.
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"My appa said the same thing, you know? He used to think spending any money on me was stupid and I had shoes coming apart, you know? Don't listen to mean appas, they're always stupid." Namjoon ruffled Tae's hair and lead him over to the legos, just so he could see what he meant. "These are legos. See, look, you can have all kinds. Knights, city, dragons, star wars. It's cool."
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"You are a good appa." Temporarily overwhelmed - a thing that could easily happen when talking about his father - Tae wrapped his arms around Namjoon's leg and hid his face against him so no one could see him cry. "My appa." He didn't want to ever be away from Namjoon, Namjoon was the best appa. "And I want the dragons."
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He supposed him having his own room was kind of cool.
Namjoon slowly crouched down and pulled Tae into a hug, rubbing his back a little. "I'm your appa. And you're my little boy, yeah? Forget your old appa, just me. Okay?" He reached out to grab the biggest and coolest looking dragon one, putting it under his arm but not breaking the hug. "I love you, TaeTae."
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Tae turned his head to look at the package Namjoon had picked up and nodded approvingly, reaching out to stroke the image of the dragon on it. "I think if I met a dragon, I'd say hello and then maybe we could be friends. What would you do with a dragon?"
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He reached out to ruffle Yoongi's hand fondly, smiling at him playfully as he headed towards the check out. "You can help us make Tae's lego tonight, it's so cool."
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"Kookie, Namjoon-appa showed me the whole world! And all the stars! There are balls that have them on them. But they are not for playing, just looking."
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"I am an appa. If Tae wants me to be then I am." Namjoon explained simply as he pulled out his wallet, sparing Jungkook a smile. "Doesn't mean I have to be your appa, that's up to you. I'm happy to be an appa to all or just TaeTae. Won't change anything."
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Tae frowned as he tried to wrap his head around that, then he nodded. "I like that." Mostly he liked that he hadn't been wrong to call Namjoon appa, he had been afraid Yoongi would say that.
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He gestured at his kids and Jungkook blushed, hiding against Yoongi's leg. The cashier cooed and then looked at Yoongi with a smile, finding the kids cute and the conversation even cuter. "They're all very handsome. You must be a proud father."
"I am." Namjoon waited for the kids to come over before shrugging. "Rule one about me being your appa? I'm a dorky dad. I'm gonna embarrass the hell outta you all so get used to it now, yeah?"
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Tae seemed a lot less bothered, just grinning and singing a little song to himself, a song that included the repetition of 'I am handsome, we are handsome' and then mostly a lot of different random syllables. Off in his own world again.
"Where's the bookstore?" Yoongi looked around, ready to follow Namjoon. "Are you buying books for you too?"
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Jungkook watched Tae and giggled, clapping along to his song and then looking curiously at Namjoon. "Are you gonna get a duckie book too?"
"Nah, I'm gonna get a book on cognition and --" Wait, he was talking to kids. "I mean, just, silly adult stuff. The duckies sound better."
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Tae decided that cognition talk was boring, instead grabbing Jungkook's hand and dragging him over to the easily identifiable kids book area, with brightly coloured small chairs and tables and a few toys as well, but mostly lots and lots of books, quite a few on them duck themed. "Whoa, so many!"
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Of course, because that was a normal thing to do.
Jungkook sat himself on the floor, also bored by all the big boy talk and happily pulling out the duckie book, gesturing at Tae to read it to him. "What happens? What happens?!"
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Tae opened the book and sat beside Jungkook, slowly starting to read to him. He wasn't that avid a reader yet, so after the first two words he just switched to narrating what he saw on the pictures on the page. Worked too!
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"Taaaaaae, you're reading it wrong. The duck isn't a ninja, it's a duck!" Jungkook pouted and shoved Tae a little, not really intent on hurting him. "You gotta read the story! He's a duckie, not a ninja."
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"Okay! But a duckie can be a ninja too, you know? Ninja duckie." Tae made a ninja move and then tried to tell the story a bit more the way it was actually pictures. He knew Jungkook needed things to be the way they were sometimes.
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"If the duckie is a ninja then why is he getting picked on by all the other birds?" He hoped that soon the duck would be happy. He put his thumb on his mouth and looked at the book, clearly lost in the tension of the cute ducks struggles. He looked at Tae, clearly worried and mumbling around the thumb in his mouth. "Is he gonna be okay?"
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"He's gonna be!" Tae had no idea, but he assumed, studying the page. "They are making fun of him cause he's different. So they say he's ugly. But..." Tae turned the page, just to check. "Now he's sad... I'm sure he'll be good at the end though."
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Jungkook was nervous. Yoongi always knew if it ended good or not, always promised him and assured him. Tae didn't know and every page, he just kept getting sadder and sadder. "His mommy didn't want him..." Jungkook's lower lip wobbled. "Cause he's ugly?" His mommy didn't want him, was it because he was ugly too?
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"Oh, but he's not ugly! Look how cute he is." Tae sensed the distress and so he kept turning the pages quickly. "Oh, and look, he's growing all big! Look how pretty!" Tae stopped at the page where the bird had turned into a beautiful swan and let Jungkook look at it. "See? All beautiful!"
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Jungkook settled but he did cry, wiping his eyes with his sleeve and sniffling. The duck wasn't love until he got better and was prettier. He had to work hard and be perfect or no one would love him. "Tae, do you love me?" He looked at his big brother and leaned into him."Am I pretty?"
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"You've always been the prettiest! My Kookie." Tae hugged him close. "You know what matters the most? How you are on the inside!" Luckily, Tae had absorbed a lot of wisdom from years of watching cartoons. "And you are beautiful on the inside and a cute little bunny on the outside. I love you so, so, so, so, so, sooooo much! Ever since I've met you."
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Namjoon walked over with Yoongi and raised an eyebrow, coming around to look at the book, wincing. Ooh, poor choice. "That book is brutal, huh?"
Jungkook turned around, sniffling and crying a little as he got up, running to Yoongi and hugging his leg, talking so fast that a lot of his words got smushed together or lost in gasps but if Namjoon heard it right, he definitely was upset about the duckling. Namjoon came over and sat down next to Tae, smiling at him. "We're you being a good hyung? Taking care of Kookie, such a big boy."
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"I didn't mean to make him cry..." Tae looked distraught, rubbing the back of his head. "I'm sorry!"
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Jungkook rubbed at his eyes and pointed at the crocodile, trying to be a big boy and stop crying. He pointed at the bunny next and then rubbed at his eyes. "I'm pretty. Tae said I'm pretty." So he had to be kept.
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