"You could make friends! And there was fried chicken too, you like fried chicken. It's not just about beer." Why did he have to keep having these situations? These arguments? "I made the money. I can spend it any way I damn well want."
Yoongi almost said that Namjoon was lucky he even spent any of it on him, but he didn't. He couldn't. He was his hyung, no matter what Namjoon called him. He would always take care of him. None of this was Namjoon's fault, he knew that. He just wished Namjoon could understand his position. "And you are supposed to call me Suga, not Yoongi. You know that."
"Oh yeah, cause you're cool now? With all your friends. Just a normal person. Well, you're not!" And they both knew it but Yoongi was intent to never act on it. And it drove Namjoon wild. He wanted to badly to shake him and just try to get him to see what he was miserable and even going home, he wasn't going to be any happier but at least he had the little things that made everything worth while. Warmth, his books, a sense of purpose.
Here, he was just stuck tagging along or waiting around. He never felt more like Yoongi's pet than he did out here. "What's the point of me making friends? They'll just go. Everything I want goes away. Nothing is mine. I'm not allowed anything I want. I can't do anything I want. I only have you!"
"No, it's because people know 'Min Yoongi' as a name." Yoongi kept his voice calm, feeling himself retreating. Internalising, staying neutral outwardly. Clearly that was what Namjoon wanted of him anyway. To deal with Min Yoongi. That was all he could ever be to him and Min Yoongi wasn't a person to him. He wasn't a person to anyone.
Of course he would rather be Suga!
He wondered if Namjoon thought that he was allowed to have what he wanted. Maybe he did. Probably. He certainly didn't understand at all that this was a once in a lifetime chance for Yoongi. The only time he would ever be without guards. Without all that responsibility. Able to hug someone in public. Able to laugh and joke. Able to flirt, to make friends. It wouldn't last, none of it would, but it was all he'd ever have.
And Namjoon was intent on souring that for him. "If you are so insistent on me not being normal, then show some respect. You can't have it both ways."
He hated this, he hated everything about it. He hated that his life was on hold, he hated that Yoongi was mad at him - he was just tired and hurting. He wanted Yoongi to feel the same but he didn't, he was happy. And he resented him for it. Everything felt bad lately. He wanted to cry but he couldn't do that, not out here, not with Yoongi. What would people think? He had to be strong. "Whatever, I don't care. Stay. Be happy. Hang out with Hobi. I'm going home. I'm done with this."
He moved away from Yoongi and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'm going to bed."
"I'm coming with you." Yoongi didn't feel like going back anyway. He walked next to Namjoon, hands in his pocket and mood down. He wished he could hang with Hobi. Hobi had a way of making the world seem brighter, at least to him. Evidently he had the opposite effect on Namjoon.
They walked in silence and Yoongi was deep in thought as they neared their place, wondering what there was to say. What there was to do. Namjoon would never be happy around him again, not the way he used to. He was so glad he had taken pictures of it while he could. There were nice memories to return to.
"No one who knows who I am is ever going to be my friend." He wasn't even sure why he said it out loud. Damn it. Shouldn't have had beer after all. Yoongi unlocked the door to their building and let Namjoon walk in first, casually looking to see if they'd been followed. Routine. No one around, as usual.
Namjoon pulled off his coat and dropped it onto the floor, kicking off his shoes and sitting down on the small, dingy bed they had to share because buy more than one bed was roughly worth their rent money. And with Yoongi partying and the occasional purchase by Namjoon, they didn't have a lot of extra income.
Namjoon hugged his knees to his chest and considered what Yoongi said, thinking it over for a while.
"I'm your friend." Wasn't he? "Right?" Wasn't he enough?
"Right." Yoongi said it, looking at Namjoon and wondering if he actually thought that was true. Maybe he was just so used to telling himself that. It really wasn't worth having an argument. What use would it be to convince him anyway? It wasn't as if it was an argument he wanted to win.
He bent to untie his shoes, then put them aside, before picking up Namjoon's and placing them next to them.
"We should write a shopping list. I get paid tomorrow."
"Are we friends?" He had to wonder because Yoongi had that tone when he answered. He as trying to be neutral and normal. And these days, he'd keyed into that - it usually meant something was wrong. And that something was probably him. He knew that. He just didn't know what to do, he felt useless and tired, nothing went right lately and he just wanted things to go back. He liked being away from his father but he didn't like the trade off of losing everything.
He felt tears build and once again, he fought them because he didn't cry in front of Yoongi. He hadn't done that since he was nine and broke his finger. Men didn't cry but he wanted to. He sniffled and angrily wiped at his eyes.
Were they not going to be friends any more? Was that the point of this test?
There was no one here, so Yoongi moved away from the door and sat down next to Namjoon, placing a hand on his shoulder. Close to a hug, but not quite one. "I love you, Joon-ah."
At least that was still true, he could feel it as he spoke the words. No matter how annoyed and frustrated he was at times, that part remained. He loved him. Namjoon was his to care for and he did care for him. He wanted happiness for him, even knowing that he was more likely to bring him the opposite.
But they weren't friends. Yoongi had always known that they couldn't remain friends, he wished being prepared would have meant it hurt less. No such luck. He wasn't going to be the one to tell Namjoon that the reason they weren't friends was Namjoon's resentment, not Yoongi's feelings.
Namjoon gripped onto Yoongi tight and pressed his face into his neck. There was something about Yoongi's scent, it was always reassuring - even though he reeked of smoke and beer. That was the trouble with clubs, they smelled terrible. He sniffed and tried to get himself together, holding on tight. "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm really sorry. I just -- I'm cold and tired, I don't feel good about anything and I don't know why. I just don't feel happy."
And he didn't really blame Yoongi but who else did he blame? Nothing felt right.
"I don't go to school any more, hyung." He loved to study, to learn, his teachers kept telling him that he could do amazing things but he couldn't. And going to school just kept making him feel worse so he stopped. And now he had nothing. He waited for Yoongi to leave in the morning, sneaked back into the apartment and hid there. And did nothing all day.
"I'll work on the heating. I have an idea." He could do it. Dip a little into blackmail and bribing, he was supposed to pull strings like that anyway. That was what Namjoon wanted, him to get back on top. Well, mostly Namjoon just wanted happiness. Yoongi wished he knew where he could find that for him.
Not going to school? The sad thing was that he wasn't even surprised. Yoongi ran his fingers through Namjoon's hair, looking off at nothing much. He wasn't even sure what to say to that. "Joon-ah..." He sighed and then pulled himself together. Maybe he could find a way.
"You know... We don't have to do everything like our fathers. There is a lot of stuff I want to change. Modernise."
"I know. I think I'll work on that. there's no point in being the top 1% percent of Korea and go nowhere. I want to do good." In a business like this? He was probably doomed. Definitely doomed, actually. Still, he tried to be positive, even if he felt like shit and he wished he could make things better. "I have ideas... not good ideas but I can make them better."
He pulled back from Yoongi and used his sleeve to wipe his eyes, he didn't like resenting Yoongi. He was his hero, his best friend, the person he was loyal to. Hating him hurt.
"Hyung? I don't want to stop loving you." Not ever. Not a little bit. "They want me to, don't they? Dad always says we're too close. I don't want to lose that. I do love you. You're my best friend."
"You are cute." Namjoon had always been so cute and it was still true. But now Yoongi was the one causing him to cry, so he couldn't really enjoy the cuteness in the same way. "They want a lot of things, Joon-ah. They don't want you to be a weakness for me, most of all. But whatever they do, I know I'll never stop loving you."
Namjoon not loving him... Yoongi was fairly certain that was already the case. "I'll be a good leader." He didn't know if he would, but he stated it as fact anyway. "Then you don't have to hate following me, at least."
"I won't hate you. I don't hate following you but I'm not really following you, am I? I follow your dad and what he tells us, we have to do. And he wants me to be miserable, I just know it." He sometimes took Namjoon aside and told him to grow up and stop distracting Yoongi. Everyone always called him that. A distraction. It just made him feel unwanted.
Maybe he was? He didn't know. He distracted him from Hobi today. He was always in the way, always getting under his feet. Maybe he should just submit and shut up.
"I'm sorry I ruined your night out." Namjoon shrugged a little. "Do you really find that stuff fun?"
"I like talking to people that actually want to talk to me, not to what I am." Yoongi wished he had maybe ever gone to a normal school, like Namjoon. Maybe then this concept would be slightly less miraculous to him. But on the other hand, at least it felt special that way. His moments of normalcy. One time only. "I like not having to school my face."
He frowned, realising that he was admitting to more about himself right now than he had ever told Namjoon before.
"I like you. But I also like Hobi. And him liking me, that's different from you. You know?"
"You always school your face around me. You know you don't have to, right?" Did he do that because he didn't think that Namjoon was a friend? Did he think he had to lie to him? He felt nervous as he looked at Yoongi, just trying to understand. "I actually want to talk to you too..."
Not that he was jealous but, well, you know. He did! They'd been friends since Yoongi's tenth birthday party. It had been six years, nearly seven. Didn't that mean anything?
"I can't show you weakness." Yoongi tried to explain it and realised that he had no idea how to explain it in a way that would make sense to Namjoon. Or anyone other than him, really. "You have to follow me. You know that. And maybe you will resent me for it, who knows. But if you have to follow a weakling, you might start resenting yourself."
Which seemed a lot worse. "I have to ask people to follow me and to swear loyalty to me and to be willing to die for me. Like you. I need to live up to that."
"I think it's weaker to pretend you don't feel. Feeling takes strength. I think that's a person I'd rather follow than someone who keeps giving me neutral expressions and hiding how he feels." He reached out and touched where Yoongi's heart was, remembering the boy who'd smile with him when they were alone, who held him when he got hurt and always been honest. Well, at least, he'd assumed.
"You're a good guy, you have a good heart. That's not weak. In this business? It's a strength. They can't take it from you. From us." Because he had a softness too, he had a heart and empathy, he cried and got angry, found happiness. It just came in circles. "As long as you have a heart, I'll follow you anywhere. Just don't ever lose it or you lose me."
"You are right. I wish I didn't have a heart sometimes." It would make so many things so much easier. However, Yoongi smiled a little now, as he let Namjoon touch his chest. Above his heart. No wonder his heart was beating a little faster over it. This was an important moment, he knew that. "But for you, I'll keep my heart forever. I don't want to lose you, Joon-ah." He couldn't even imagine being without him.
"You are the most important person in my life. No matter if I... If Suga makes friends. You are the most important."
"You're the most important to me. And not because our fathers say we have to be together and not because it's my role. It's because I love you. I always have. You're my hyung." Namjoon smiled, he had always adored Yoongi. He wasn't quite a big brother or a best friend, he was something unique. A weird mix of both and someone who he felt was just his soulmate. And yeah, life was hard but ... he didn't want to lose him.
Even if he got mad, even if he was hurting and yelled at him, it didn't mean he hated him. "We're both pathetic wusses. That's our thing. We gotta own it, yeah? Soft boys for life." Namjoon beamed and held out his fist to be bumped.
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Yoongi almost said that Namjoon was lucky he even spent any of it on him, but he didn't. He couldn't. He was his hyung, no matter what Namjoon called him. He would always take care of him. None of this was Namjoon's fault, he knew that. He just wished Namjoon could understand his position. "And you are supposed to call me Suga, not Yoongi. You know that."
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Here, he was just stuck tagging along or waiting around. He never felt more like Yoongi's pet than he did out here. "What's the point of me making friends? They'll just go. Everything I want goes away. Nothing is mine. I'm not allowed anything I want. I can't do anything I want. I only have you!"
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Of course he would rather be Suga!
He wondered if Namjoon thought that he was allowed to have what he wanted. Maybe he did. Probably. He certainly didn't understand at all that this was a once in a lifetime chance for Yoongi. The only time he would ever be without guards. Without all that responsibility. Able to hug someone in public. Able to laugh and joke. Able to flirt, to make friends. It wouldn't last, none of it would, but it was all he'd ever have.
And Namjoon was intent on souring that for him. "If you are so insistent on me not being normal, then show some respect. You can't have it both ways."
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He hated this, he hated everything about it. He hated that his life was on hold, he hated that Yoongi was mad at him - he was just tired and hurting. He wanted Yoongi to feel the same but he didn't, he was happy. And he resented him for it. Everything felt bad lately. He wanted to cry but he couldn't do that, not out here, not with Yoongi. What would people think? He had to be strong. "Whatever, I don't care. Stay. Be happy. Hang out with Hobi. I'm going home. I'm done with this."
He moved away from Yoongi and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'm going to bed."
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They walked in silence and Yoongi was deep in thought as they neared their place, wondering what there was to say. What there was to do. Namjoon would never be happy around him again, not the way he used to. He was so glad he had taken pictures of it while he could. There were nice memories to return to.
"No one who knows who I am is ever going to be my friend." He wasn't even sure why he said it out loud. Damn it. Shouldn't have had beer after all. Yoongi unlocked the door to their building and let Namjoon walk in first, casually looking to see if they'd been followed. Routine. No one around, as usual.
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Namjoon hugged his knees to his chest and considered what Yoongi said, thinking it over for a while.
"I'm your friend." Wasn't he? "Right?" Wasn't he enough?
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He bent to untie his shoes, then put them aside, before picking up Namjoon's and placing them next to them.
"We should write a shopping list. I get paid tomorrow."
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He felt tears build and once again, he fought them because he didn't cry in front of Yoongi. He hadn't done that since he was nine and broke his finger. Men didn't cry but he wanted to. He sniffled and angrily wiped at his eyes.
Were they not going to be friends any more? Was that the point of this test?
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At least that was still true, he could feel it as he spoke the words. No matter how annoyed and frustrated he was at times, that part remained. He loved him. Namjoon was his to care for and he did care for him. He wanted happiness for him, even knowing that he was more likely to bring him the opposite.
But they weren't friends. Yoongi had always known that they couldn't remain friends, he wished being prepared would have meant it hurt less. No such luck. He wasn't going to be the one to tell Namjoon that the reason they weren't friends was Namjoon's resentment, not Yoongi's feelings.
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And he didn't really blame Yoongi but who else did he blame? Nothing felt right.
"I don't go to school any more, hyung." He loved to study, to learn, his teachers kept telling him that he could do amazing things but he couldn't. And going to school just kept making him feel worse so he stopped. And now he had nothing. He waited for Yoongi to leave in the morning, sneaked back into the apartment and hid there. And did nothing all day.
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Not going to school? The sad thing was that he wasn't even surprised. Yoongi ran his fingers through Namjoon's hair, looking off at nothing much. He wasn't even sure what to say to that. "Joon-ah..." He sighed and then pulled himself together. Maybe he could find a way.
"You know... We don't have to do everything like our fathers. There is a lot of stuff I want to change. Modernise."
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He pulled back from Yoongi and used his sleeve to wipe his eyes, he didn't like resenting Yoongi. He was his hero, his best friend, the person he was loyal to. Hating him hurt.
"Hyung? I don't want to stop loving you." Not ever. Not a little bit. "They want me to, don't they? Dad always says we're too close. I don't want to lose that. I do love you. You're my best friend."
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Namjoon not loving him... Yoongi was fairly certain that was already the case. "I'll be a good leader." He didn't know if he would, but he stated it as fact anyway. "Then you don't have to hate following me, at least."
Even if he hated him.
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Maybe he was? He didn't know. He distracted him from Hobi today. He was always in the way, always getting under his feet. Maybe he should just submit and shut up.
"I'm sorry I ruined your night out." Namjoon shrugged a little. "Do you really find that stuff fun?"
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He frowned, realising that he was admitting to more about himself right now than he had ever told Namjoon before.
"I like you. But I also like Hobi. And him liking me, that's different from you. You know?"
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Not that he was jealous but, well, you know. He did! They'd been friends since Yoongi's tenth birthday party. It had been six years, nearly seven. Didn't that mean anything?
"I don't know. Why is it different?"
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Which seemed a lot worse. "I have to ask people to follow me and to swear loyalty to me and to be willing to die for me. Like you. I need to live up to that."
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"You're a good guy, you have a good heart. That's not weak. In this business? It's a strength. They can't take it from you. From us." Because he had a softness too, he had a heart and empathy, he cried and got angry, found happiness. It just came in circles. "As long as you have a heart, I'll follow you anywhere. Just don't ever lose it or you lose me."
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"You are the most important person in my life. No matter if I... If Suga makes friends. You are the most important."
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Even if he got mad, even if he was hurting and yelled at him, it didn't mean he hated him. "We're both pathetic wusses. That's our thing. We gotta own it, yeah? Soft boys for life." Namjoon beamed and held out his fist to be bumped.