"I won't hate you. I don't hate following you but I'm not really following you, am I? I follow your dad and what he tells us, we have to do. And he wants me to be miserable, I just know it." He sometimes took Namjoon aside and told him to grow up and stop distracting Yoongi. Everyone always called him that. A distraction. It just made him feel unwanted.
Maybe he was? He didn't know. He distracted him from Hobi today. He was always in the way, always getting under his feet. Maybe he should just submit and shut up.
"I'm sorry I ruined your night out." Namjoon shrugged a little. "Do you really find that stuff fun?"
"I like talking to people that actually want to talk to me, not to what I am." Yoongi wished he had maybe ever gone to a normal school, like Namjoon. Maybe then this concept would be slightly less miraculous to him. But on the other hand, at least it felt special that way. His moments of normalcy. One time only. "I like not having to school my face."
He frowned, realising that he was admitting to more about himself right now than he had ever told Namjoon before.
"I like you. But I also like Hobi. And him liking me, that's different from you. You know?"
"You always school your face around me. You know you don't have to, right?" Did he do that because he didn't think that Namjoon was a friend? Did he think he had to lie to him? He felt nervous as he looked at Yoongi, just trying to understand. "I actually want to talk to you too..."
Not that he was jealous but, well, you know. He did! They'd been friends since Yoongi's tenth birthday party. It had been six years, nearly seven. Didn't that mean anything?
"I can't show you weakness." Yoongi tried to explain it and realised that he had no idea how to explain it in a way that would make sense to Namjoon. Or anyone other than him, really. "You have to follow me. You know that. And maybe you will resent me for it, who knows. But if you have to follow a weakling, you might start resenting yourself."
Which seemed a lot worse. "I have to ask people to follow me and to swear loyalty to me and to be willing to die for me. Like you. I need to live up to that."
"I think it's weaker to pretend you don't feel. Feeling takes strength. I think that's a person I'd rather follow than someone who keeps giving me neutral expressions and hiding how he feels." He reached out and touched where Yoongi's heart was, remembering the boy who'd smile with him when they were alone, who held him when he got hurt and always been honest. Well, at least, he'd assumed.
"You're a good guy, you have a good heart. That's not weak. In this business? It's a strength. They can't take it from you. From us." Because he had a softness too, he had a heart and empathy, he cried and got angry, found happiness. It just came in circles. "As long as you have a heart, I'll follow you anywhere. Just don't ever lose it or you lose me."
"You are right. I wish I didn't have a heart sometimes." It would make so many things so much easier. However, Yoongi smiled a little now, as he let Namjoon touch his chest. Above his heart. No wonder his heart was beating a little faster over it. This was an important moment, he knew that. "But for you, I'll keep my heart forever. I don't want to lose you, Joon-ah." He couldn't even imagine being without him.
"You are the most important person in my life. No matter if I... If Suga makes friends. You are the most important."
"You're the most important to me. And not because our fathers say we have to be together and not because it's my role. It's because I love you. I always have. You're my hyung." Namjoon smiled, he had always adored Yoongi. He wasn't quite a big brother or a best friend, he was something unique. A weird mix of both and someone who he felt was just his soulmate. And yeah, life was hard but ... he didn't want to lose him.
Even if he got mad, even if he was hurting and yelled at him, it didn't mean he hated him. "We're both pathetic wusses. That's our thing. We gotta own it, yeah? Soft boys for life." Namjoon beamed and held out his fist to be bumped.
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Maybe he was? He didn't know. He distracted him from Hobi today. He was always in the way, always getting under his feet. Maybe he should just submit and shut up.
"I'm sorry I ruined your night out." Namjoon shrugged a little. "Do you really find that stuff fun?"
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He frowned, realising that he was admitting to more about himself right now than he had ever told Namjoon before.
"I like you. But I also like Hobi. And him liking me, that's different from you. You know?"
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Not that he was jealous but, well, you know. He did! They'd been friends since Yoongi's tenth birthday party. It had been six years, nearly seven. Didn't that mean anything?
"I don't know. Why is it different?"
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Which seemed a lot worse. "I have to ask people to follow me and to swear loyalty to me and to be willing to die for me. Like you. I need to live up to that."
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"You're a good guy, you have a good heart. That's not weak. In this business? It's a strength. They can't take it from you. From us." Because he had a softness too, he had a heart and empathy, he cried and got angry, found happiness. It just came in circles. "As long as you have a heart, I'll follow you anywhere. Just don't ever lose it or you lose me."
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"You are the most important person in my life. No matter if I... If Suga makes friends. You are the most important."
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Even if he got mad, even if he was hurting and yelled at him, it didn't mean he hated him. "We're both pathetic wusses. That's our thing. We gotta own it, yeah? Soft boys for life." Namjoon beamed and held out his fist to be bumped.