I miss you, I need you and I hate you

[cutedevil]

Comments

[tophead]

because I'm a coward and it's easier.

I don't want to lose my family.

[cuminjun]

but you want to lose me

I get it

just be careful you don't lose yourself

[tophead]

don't

I

I still love you.

I need you

[cuminjun]

so what do you want me to do?

keep waiting around for you for whenever you feel like it?

[tophead]

I want to love you.

I'm just scared to do it.

It's hard for me.

[cuminjun]

this isn't easy for me either

I ask you again, what do you want me to do?

[tophead]

Be with me.

[cuminjun]

where are you?

[tophead]

Art studio.

As always.

I'm alone, I got permission to be here until late.

[cuminjun]

I'm on my way

if you kick me out, I'll kick your ass

[tophead]

I won't.

Door is open, I'm waiting.

Apologies for the weed smell... it's part of my process.

[cuminjun]

part of my process too

I didn't make out with anyone

jsyk

[tophead]

i'm glad

me neither

i just missed you. i painted you. it got very abstract... you may not be into it.

[cuminjun]

I started writing a play about abusive parents

mostly because Sangwoo asked if I wrote about my ex and I wanted to prove him wrong

I like abstract

[tophead]

Your parents are quite nice though.

You're eomma gave me some fried rice in a tub once.

My eomma just prays for your soul.

[cuminjun]

I'm pretty sure my eomma prays for my soul too

she just likes you

I'm not the type parents like

[tophead]

I don't think any of us are.

We're losers, artists, people they avoid on the street.

We're not good korean boys.

[cuminjun]

my parents have a low bar

I lowered it

you are a good korean boy in their book

[tophead]

They wouldn't think that if they saw me tonight.

I'm good at hiding. I wish I wasn't.

It'd take the choice away from me.

[cuminjun]

yeah

I've never been good at hiding

and I have no choice but to keep crawling back to you

I'm here now, door is locked

[tophead]

Gyungho opened it and pushed it aside, shirtless and paint-splattered with a cigarette hanging out of his house. He looked like a teenage girl's concept of a painter and not a real one. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and dropped it to the floor, stamping it out as he walked forward and kissed Minjun.

No, he'd never be more open than this but he did love Minjun.

Even if he couldn't always show it.

[cuminjun]

Minjun's heart hurt and, yeah, he was sure that he didn't look as good as Gyungho. He wasn't exactly plagued with low self-esteem, his recent doubts were just a result of emotional upheaval, but he knew he hadn't slept, he knew he'd cried, he'd drunk too much and just overall, nothing that furthered any fantasies. Unless someone fantasied about wrecked punks, which he supposed might be possible.

But nothing mattered when he kissed back. Not that he hated himself for giving in, not that his broken heart hadn't even had a chance to heal yet and not that, really, he had been meaning to tell Gyungho that he could shove his love up his own ass for all he cared. He just kissed back, eagerly, because he felt as if he needed Gyungho. More than he had ever needed anyone or anything.

"I hate you," he muttered against his lips finally, shaking his head.

[tophead]

"That's okay, hate me. Just love me too." Gyungho whispered as he pulled Minjun closer and kissed him again, bodies pressed together as he intensified the kiss. He dragged him into the room, using his foot to shut the door and only breaking the kiss when he absolutely had to. He knew he'd fucked up, he knew he owed Minjun but he didn't even know how to fix it all.

He just knew he was in love, stupid and trying his best.

"I love you. More than anyone else in the world, I love you. I wouldn't love anyone else. You have my heart." He reached out and took Minjun's hand, lifting it up so they could both touch his chest. "And if you don't want it, it's fine. It'll always be yours though."

[cuminjun]

It was just too damn easy to melt right into it, even as he touched Gyungho's chest. "You know you have my heart."

That's why he had such an easy time throwing it away whenever he wasn't feeling it. As if he didn't matter much. But he looked at Gyungho now and he knew he wasn't lying, he wasn't dishonest. He knew the love was real, because the kind of love he felt, just looking at him, it couldn't be unrequited. It was too deep for that.

Of course he gave him another chance. And probably ten more after that. No matter how bad for him it was. "You know I'm yours. Even when you don't want me."

[tophead]

"I always want you. It's just sometimes, I'm a good liar. I can pretend but I can never stop feeling." He knew that because he'd tried. Tried to be normal, tried dating girls before, tried everything but it was always Minjun. He'd live and die by that name, he just knew it. He couldn't escape him.

And he didn't want to. They belonged together. There was nothing else to it.

"I love you and I mean it. I won't screw up this time, I promise. We'll work on it." He could only try. And he meant it, he really did. He never wanted to hurt Minjun.