Minjun's heart hurt and, yeah, he was sure that he didn't look as good as Gyungho. He wasn't exactly plagued with low self-esteem, his recent doubts were just a result of emotional upheaval, but he knew he hadn't slept, he knew he'd cried, he'd drunk too much and just overall, nothing that furthered any fantasies. Unless someone fantasied about wrecked punks, which he supposed might be possible.
But nothing mattered when he kissed back. Not that he hated himself for giving in, not that his broken heart hadn't even had a chance to heal yet and not that, really, he had been meaning to tell Gyungho that he could shove his love up his own ass for all he cared. He just kissed back, eagerly, because he felt as if he needed Gyungho. More than he had ever needed anyone or anything.
"I hate you," he muttered against his lips finally, shaking his head.
"That's okay, hate me. Just love me too." Gyungho whispered as he pulled Minjun closer and kissed him again, bodies pressed together as he intensified the kiss. He dragged him into the room, using his foot to shut the door and only breaking the kiss when he absolutely had to. He knew he'd fucked up, he knew he owed Minjun but he didn't even know how to fix it all.
He just knew he was in love, stupid and trying his best.
"I love you. More than anyone else in the world, I love you. I wouldn't love anyone else. You have my heart." He reached out and took Minjun's hand, lifting it up so they could both touch his chest. "And if you don't want it, it's fine. It'll always be yours though."
It was just too damn easy to melt right into it, even as he touched Gyungho's chest. "You know you have my heart."
That's why he had such an easy time throwing it away whenever he wasn't feeling it. As if he didn't matter much. But he looked at Gyungho now and he knew he wasn't lying, he wasn't dishonest. He knew the love was real, because the kind of love he felt, just looking at him, it couldn't be unrequited. It was too deep for that.
Of course he gave him another chance. And probably ten more after that. No matter how bad for him it was. "You know I'm yours. Even when you don't want me."
"I always want you. It's just sometimes, I'm a good liar. I can pretend but I can never stop feeling." He knew that because he'd tried. Tried to be normal, tried dating girls before, tried everything but it was always Minjun. He'd live and die by that name, he just knew it. He couldn't escape him.
And he didn't want to. They belonged together. There was nothing else to it.
"I love you and I mean it. I won't screw up this time, I promise. We'll work on it." He could only try. And he meant it, he really did. He never wanted to hurt Minjun.
Minjun nodded, but he didn't look at Gyungho. Because he wanted to believe it, but it seemed impossible. Not the first time this had happened. He knew Gyungho meant it, but that didn't change that it would repeat itself. He'd dump him again. But for now, he could push against his chest to make him move further into the room.
"Show me your painting. And then get naked, I want to draw all over you."
"Deal. Come on." He kissed the top of Minjun's head and led him along to his canvas. A chaotic mess of colours, paint and a boy in the middle that was clearly Minjun. The colours were rainbows, it was hard to miss what his feelings were about. As Gyungho studied it, he dropped his pants. "It didn't come out as I wanted but it's what I was feeling at the time. I wanted to paint you but I wouldn't capture what made you into you."
Minjun was so rare, so unique, how could he be replicated? Wasn't possible. Dropping his boxers, he turned to Minjun. "Where'd you wanna doodle?"
"Hmm. From what people tell me, it's mostly my ass and my mouth." Minjun looked at the painting, feeling the pain threaten to overwhelm him again, even if he was right here with Gyungho. It was a strange out of body moment, where he felt as if he could already see the future, already look back through time to when this would be a memory. "I like this drawing. It's..."
Gay. It was really gay. "Very you. Very me."
Very them. No wonder it hurt him. He shook his head and then turned to look at Gyungho, frowning. "Your chest, for now. Come lie down, you're too tall."
"It's everything I feel. I wish I was able to let it all out in other ways. Sometimes I just want to explode." Gyungho smiled sadly, wishing he could just go and tell his parents and tell the world - to have no fears or concerns. It was hard for him, it would always be hard for him but that didn't mean that he wasn't in love.
Lying out, he spread out on the cold floor and looked up at Minjun. "Do you want pen or paints? Both are on the desk. Relock the door, would you?"
He didn't want to be found naked in here. They might get kicked out of college.
Minjun gave a nod and headed for the door, locking it from the inside. He wasn't sure what to say, so he walked to the desk and picked up the paintbrushes and the paint he wanted. Returning back to Gyungho's side, he sat down, looking at him. He was beautiful.
It really wasn't as if Minjun wasn't happy with how he looked. He felt he was hot, people generally thought so, no complaints there. But Gyungho, he was hot in all the way he wasn't. From his jaw line to his ripped body, even just his bone structure. So beautiful. Hard to think of any other way to describe him.
"I'm afraid you will explode one day," he finally said and then he leaned down to write his name on Gyungho's chest, above his heart. Hey, it was a good start.
"It's so hard to love you as much as I do and not always be able to do it. If I'm not loving you, it's just building up and up all the bad things that go away when I'm with you, you know?" He was sure Minjun did, he must have experienced the same. They were good for each other, bad apart and horribly unable to function alone. They were a mess. And it really sucked.
"I need you. I always think maybe I can do it but-- I could barely stand it."
He wasn't lying either. He looked up at Minjun and tried to catch his eyes. "I'm scared of hurting you and it's all I keep doing."
Minjun nodded, using all the colours of the rainbow to draw a heart around his name, not caring so much whether it was perfect. He wasn't an artist the way Gyungho was, but he liked expressing himself. "You'll hurt us again."
He finally stopped avoiding Gyungho's eyes, looking at him. Wishing that he would disagree with the statement, but knowing in his heart of heart that he wouldn't. Couldn't. "I've never felt settled until I met you."
And now he was scared of feeling that peace, because he knew it couldn't last. "You are part o me. Without you... It's like you are a limb or an organ. Something I need to live."
"I won't leave. Not if I can help it. I can't take it much more. I know I want a life with you... I gotta man up and come out some time." He wished he was less of a coward but he kept struggling with it. Knowing what people would say or think. He didn't care about people at college but his father, his eomma, their friends... they'd rip him to shreds. And that scared him.
"I'm so weak. You have to teach me to be strong."
Reaching out, he took Minjun's wrist and met his eyes, determined and wanting. "Please, help me do this. Help me."
"I'll help you." Minjun could only promise. He didn't know how to help him and he had no idea what Gyungho would say when he was feeling less intensely vulnerable than he did right now, naked and with the memory of life without him fresh. But no matter, of course he'd help him. He loved him. He'd do anything for him. "Just think about us. We could have a future. Our future belongs to us. All these people can touch on is the past and the present. But if you don't take that step, then you are letting them take our future."
"I want to be with you. Our future could be amazing. You'll produce plays, I'll paint pictures and we'll be so broke, we'll have to mooch of your baby brother for food." Gyungho smiled for the first time, proper and playful, trying his best to ease some of the tension. "We'll have one of those loft apartments... I'm basically just thinking of Rent now, aren't I?"
Well, same vibe. "We live for each other and our art."
"Rent, huh?" Minjun had to laugh, ever so amused. No wonder he felt so compelled to draw rainbows all over his lover's skin. "You are so gay now. Referencing musicals. I really have made you as gay as I could." Evidently very. He laughed again, then reached for black and started to draw some threatening shadows on the outskirts of the rainbow hear he'd painted.
"All I need to live is love. I've always thought so. And I-- Now I know who I'm meant to be with."
"And now we can make it work. We'll be together. It just takes practise and ... and me not being a coward. I'll do it this time, promise. If I let you down again, you can kick me in the balls." Gyungho offered, waggling his eyebrows temptingly. "And... yeah, I mean, I am pretty gay. No wonder everyone always kind of knows. Bet no one would be shocked.
"I don't know. I mean... I'll be honest. Outside of this artist community we have, people never really seem to expect gay. I mean... Sian, people think Sian is straight." Who was gayer than Sian? Ten, potentially, but then, Sian had the rainbow hair. And, honestly, the gay lisp too. Minjun had no idea how anyone couldn't see it, but heteronormativity was a strong force. "I'm not saying that coming out is easy. I never said so. I'm fine with... If you don't want to, yet. We can keep being discreet. But there has to be a limit to how often I can let myself be dumped by the same guy."
Or he hoped he wouldn't, at least. "I'll be as loyal as a dog." Then he barked a few times. Well, he was a dog. He looked down at his chest, considered the artwork and then smiled approvingly. "I love having your name here. It's where it belongs."
"That's my heart on there. Because it's always with you." Minjun laid down next to Gyungho, his fingers trailing the shadows he'd just drawn. "And I'll protect you from all the darkness. The one that comes from outside and the one inside you." If only he was better equipped to fight it.
"Thank you for giving in before I had to make out with a dancer."
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But nothing mattered when he kissed back. Not that he hated himself for giving in, not that his broken heart hadn't even had a chance to heal yet and not that, really, he had been meaning to tell Gyungho that he could shove his love up his own ass for all he cared. He just kissed back, eagerly, because he felt as if he needed Gyungho. More than he had ever needed anyone or anything.
"I hate you," he muttered against his lips finally, shaking his head.
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He just knew he was in love, stupid and trying his best.
"I love you. More than anyone else in the world, I love you. I wouldn't love anyone else. You have my heart." He reached out and took Minjun's hand, lifting it up so they could both touch his chest. "And if you don't want it, it's fine. It'll always be yours though."
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That's why he had such an easy time throwing it away whenever he wasn't feeling it. As if he didn't matter much. But he looked at Gyungho now and he knew he wasn't lying, he wasn't dishonest. He knew the love was real, because the kind of love he felt, just looking at him, it couldn't be unrequited. It was too deep for that.
Of course he gave him another chance. And probably ten more after that. No matter how bad for him it was. "You know I'm yours. Even when you don't want me."
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And he didn't want to. They belonged together. There was nothing else to it.
"I love you and I mean it. I won't screw up this time, I promise. We'll work on it." He could only try. And he meant it, he really did. He never wanted to hurt Minjun.
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"Show me your painting. And then get naked, I want to draw all over you."
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Minjun was so rare, so unique, how could he be replicated? Wasn't possible. Dropping his boxers, he turned to Minjun. "Where'd you wanna doodle?"
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Gay. It was really gay. "Very you. Very me."
Very them. No wonder it hurt him. He shook his head and then turned to look at Gyungho, frowning. "Your chest, for now. Come lie down, you're too tall."
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Lying out, he spread out on the cold floor and looked up at Minjun. "Do you want pen or paints? Both are on the desk. Relock the door, would you?"
He didn't want to be found naked in here. They might get kicked out of college.
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It really wasn't as if Minjun wasn't happy with how he looked. He felt he was hot, people generally thought so, no complaints there. But Gyungho, he was hot in all the way he wasn't. From his jaw line to his ripped body, even just his bone structure. So beautiful. Hard to think of any other way to describe him.
"I'm afraid you will explode one day," he finally said and then he leaned down to write his name on Gyungho's chest, above his heart. Hey, it was a good start.
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"I need you. I always think maybe I can do it but-- I could barely stand it."
He wasn't lying either. He looked up at Minjun and tried to catch his eyes. "I'm scared of hurting you and it's all I keep doing."
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He finally stopped avoiding Gyungho's eyes, looking at him. Wishing that he would disagree with the statement, but knowing in his heart of heart that he wouldn't. Couldn't. "I've never felt settled until I met you."
And now he was scared of feeling that peace, because he knew it couldn't last. "You are part o me. Without you... It's like you are a limb or an organ. Something I need to live."
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"I'm so weak. You have to teach me to be strong."
Reaching out, he took Minjun's wrist and met his eyes, determined and wanting. "Please, help me do this. Help me."
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Well, same vibe. "We live for each other and our art."
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"All I need to live is love. I've always thought so. And I-- Now I know who I'm meant to be with."
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Well, probably. People were easily shocked.
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Or he hoped he wouldn't, at least. "I'll be as loyal as a dog." Then he barked a few times. Well, he was a dog. He looked down at his chest, considered the artwork and then smiled approvingly. "I love having your name here. It's where it belongs."
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"Thank you for giving in before I had to make out with a dancer."