Yeah, it was -- not great. Yoongi hurts over it still too. He blames himself. I blamed him too. I don't now but you know. I wasn't grateful when I was saved, I was just hurting. I said some shit and it's hard to forget.
His father and my father know how to make someone suffer. They were determined to test us, I guess. And they did :P
I'll never understand why they did all that. Like... What was the point? When we met, you were always pissy with Yoongi. You were so angry at him and I didn't get why and I didn't get why he put up with it. Took me so long to figure it out, I just thought you were a disrespectful, ungrateful little shit.
Maybe. Hopefully. Or maybe I shouldn't. He might be better off without me. I could just set him up for a good life.
Man, you're really going for me today, huh? Love you too, hyung. But yeah, I was a pissy bastard but you gotta understand, I had nothing. I lost it all to be with Yoongi. Left school, left all my things and what I was trying to do. Where he saw freedom, I was misery. It was cold and I was hungry, I lost out for him to have fun. I didn't think I'd be the one they took.
I didn't think Yoongi loved me enough to save me either. He always picked you and his freedom, I kind of figured that's all he wanted.
See what he wants, it's hard to say. I don't know him well. I just know what you told me. He seemed to like you.
If you could have the chance to give Yoongi that life he wanted away from all this, but without you, would you have done that? Or I guess if Yoongi would have done that for you, if he could have....
Damn. I'm sorry, I know, I keep poking this, I'm just in a bad headspace. I always knew Yoongi loved you more than anything. Even as Suga. I know it didn't seem that way to you.
I don't know. Probably? I think he wants his freedom back more than anything. More than me, maybe? I don't know. I don't doubt he loves me but I do think he's unhappy. And I want him to be happier.
It's complicated. It'll always be complicated. We're not happy in this world but we don't have much of an option. We were raised in it.
I know that he probably did love me and I know you and he just adored Suga but I see it in my head and I just feel hate and sadness.
Well. Not to burst your bubble there, Namjoon, but I'm sure Yoongi knows that. I mean. You've made it very clear. Very, very often. Even just when I was there. I'm sure more when I wasn't.
I know Yoongi offered you the way out. Back then. After everything. Why didn't you take it? I'm just... I'm curious, you can tell me to shut up any time.
Yeah but as long as I don't say it outright, he doesn't know 100% so I don't have to feel like a guilty monster holding him back from happiness just like his job :D and that means I can sleep at night.
Because even if things happened that hurt and he did stuff that I hate it, I love Yoongi. I pledged my life to him as a boy and I didn't really get it then but I get it now.
Even when I'm mad at him or upset... I don't hate him. I love him. I love his smile, I love his good heart, I love the way he is with Kookie and I love how he kisses me.
Once we have Jimin sorted and the whole Cheon mess over, you should come to our house. Spend time with Yoongi. The real Yoongi. He misses you, I can tell.
I won't explode again. That was one time, I was half dead... I just implode now. It's safer.
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I guess it's like when Yoongi's father had you.
What was that like?
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It was
It hurt a lot. I thought I was going to die. I still dream of it so it's
Yeah, it doesn't really go away but
Sometimes life sucks, man.
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Anyway. Just. You knew that he'd come and save you, right? You believed that?
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Uh... no. Actually. No, I didn't. I thought maybe he'd try but I was in a headspace where it was hard to keep the faith, you know?
And I was there a week so it was seven days. And on the third, he told me he'd already killed Yoongi so...
I was basically just being tortured to death as far as I could see.
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I wonder how Yoongi felt. I mean. I guess I was there, but that was when he closed off. But now I know a bit how it must have been.
Only Jimin has no idea what he means to me. I didn't make it clear.
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His father and my father know how to make someone suffer. They were determined to test us, I guess. And they did :P
I'm sure you'll have chance to tell him yet.
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Maybe. Hopefully. Or maybe I shouldn't. He might be better off without me. I could just set him up for a good life.
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I didn't think Yoongi loved me enough to save me either. He always picked you and his freedom, I kind of figured that's all he wanted.
See what he wants, it's hard to say. I don't know him well. I just know what you told me. He seemed to like you.
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Damn. I'm sorry, I know, I keep poking this, I'm just in a bad headspace. I always knew Yoongi loved you more than anything. Even as Suga. I know it didn't seem that way to you.
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It's complicated. It'll always be complicated. We're not happy in this world but we don't have much of an option. We were raised in it.
I know that he probably did love me and I know you and he just adored Suga but I see it in my head and I just feel hate and sadness.
Of course I ain't never gonna tell him that.
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I know Yoongi offered you the way out. Back then. After everything. Why didn't you take it? I'm just... I'm curious, you can tell me to shut up any time.
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Because even if things happened that hurt and he did stuff that I hate it, I love Yoongi. I pledged my life to him as a boy and I didn't really get it then but I get it now.
Even when I'm mad at him or upset... I don't hate him. I love him. I love his smile, I love his good heart, I love the way he is with Kookie and I love how he kisses me.
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Joonie, I know it's not my place, but I think you need to talk about it at some point. I mean... You don't want to explode at him again, right?
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I won't explode again. That was one time, I was half dead... I just implode now. It's safer.
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Imploding isn't healthy either! Come on. I'm just wanting the best for you two.
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wait what????????????????
if what is best for me is spanking then I am just ... gonna stay broken.
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Oh, come on! It's fun. Very good stress relief.
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And if I was, it wouldn't be you doing it!!!!!!
Also... why? Why this? What?
God, I really need to get your boyfriend back before you spank me.
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Ohh, better. Tie him up! He's so tense all the time, help him relax.
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Thanks for making a mess of my feelings and sending me on this very odd rollercoaster of emotions.
LOVE YOU, HYUNG <3
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