"Same. I mean, you were my only friend so I can't help it." When he was lonely or wished he had someone, he always missed Yoongi. And it was painful too, it was hard to remember him. He knew what he'd done, he knew how wrong it was and even now, he was just drowning in guilt and pain. That he had no right to feel. He knew he wasn't supposed to be the sad one but sometimes he was. He felt abandoned.
"I assume you mostly think negative things? Like how much I suck."
"No. Usually I just beat myself up for messing up." Yoongi started the car and then drove down the road. He shrugged his shoulders, what could he really say? "I was a stupid teenager. Luckily I at least grew out of that." Even if he evidently hadn't grown out of his feelings for Namjoon. He hated that.
"I don't like that you keep saying that now your brother is all you have. Because I-- We could still be friends. I'd like to be your friend, if you'll have me."
"You didn't mess up anything. I -- I messed it up. All of it. I know it was me." He knew what he'd done and he'd been living with it for a long time. He even talked it over with Minjun a lot. Too much. Minjun often shut him down when he did it these days but, to be fair, he had heard it all before. "I'm really sorry for what I did."
He shouldn't have been such a jerk. "Can we be friends? After I did what I did? I don't know." He thought of two very apt poems he could quote right now, he was debating which one would sound the best.
"We were both teenagers. That's not the best time for emotional maturity." And then he had only had a bit over a month for things to get fixed and they... They just didn't. Maybe if he had confronted Namjoon again back then, but there was no way to go back in time. "We can be friends. I will show you. Tonight you'll think of me as a friend again. You are going to sleep on my couch, what's friendlier than that?"
There had to be a way to recover what they'd lost. "Once you knew me better than anyone and I haven't really let anyone close since. I miss that."
"Same. It was just me alone until eomma remarried. They made Minjun hang out with me, though he likes me a lot so I don't mind that. Still, you know, he has friends and he likes to party. I don't." So Namjoon was still often alone. "I did well with my studies though, not having a social life and all. I graduated top of my class and of Korean. I'm the top 1.3%. I got an award and a plaque."
His eomma still had the plaque. It was pretty neat. His step dad told him it was awesome too. He was nice, way nicer than his actually dad. "After I graduated, I studied computing and here I am."
"Then I get why you need a laptop." Especially an adorable Ryan one. Yoongi wondered if he needed to provide his own life story now too, but he supposed so. Maybe. He frowned, turning around the corner. He didn't live in the best area himself, but a lot better than where Namjoon lived, that much was for sure. "Congratulations on doing so well in school. I didn't. Not really."
He paused, stopping at a red light. "I did okay. I started... I did stupid things. Met the wrong people, was the wrong person. I couldn't have a good time doing what everyone was doing without alcohol, so I drank too much. Stopped talking to my parents so they wouldn't know how bad I was doing. Then I almost died. I wanted to. But cops found me and then I ended up joining the force instead."
"Oh. That's sad." Namjoon wasn't sure what to say, he felt responsible. "My dad attacked me and my eomma divorced his ass for it." Namjoon thought that was about the worst thing that happened to him since he lost Yoongi. "Had to leave our house, lived in a shelter for a while, you know... then we got some housing, met Minjun's appa and moved in. It was nice. I, uh, I didn't get much access to computers at the time."
So it went on and on, he didn't have a computer to respond and when he did, it had been a month and he was too anxious, assuming it was too late. "I thought it was too late to email."
"It wouldn't have been. I checked every day twice for a year, I think." Which, back then, had been quite a lot. Of course, nowadays everyone had smart phones, but that was a different time. "I had some bad relationships. I mean... All of my relationships were bad, really. I think it was on me at least as much as on them. Probably mostly on me."
As he'd said, he had a wall. "But it helped. The academy, working with the force. Really did straighten me out."
Namjoon didn't know how to say what he wanted to say so he was silent for a while. He stared out of the window, trying to psych himself up to actually say it. He just had to tell Yoongi he was gay and out but it didn't seem to want to be said. He lowered his head and took a shaky breath.
"I'm gay." Yep. Too little, too late. "I realised pretty late. Too late. I know. My eomma asked me one day, when we were at the shelter, she knew before I knew. Or maybe I always knew. I don't know. I just remember crying." Crying because of how much he messed up. "Now I'm out and proud but -- I dunno, I always feel like I shouldn't be proud of myself. I fucked up."
"Oh." Yoongi wasn't sure what to say. He had suspected it, of course, back then, but he had reasoned since that it must have been wishful thinking. And now Namjoon was telling him that he'd been right? What was he supposed to say to that. "Guess I'm a good detective after all."
There, he could just joke lightly. Surely that would help. "I think it's hard to be proud. I'm out, I've been out for a long time and I'm not ashamed of being gay. Not being ashamed of being me, that's harder."
"I really don't like me. I would like to not have to hang out with me. I get why I don't really have friends." Sometimes he wished he could get that distance. He laughed nervously and fiddled with his pant leg, trying not to get worked up. "I'm sorry that I gave you a hard time. I guess it was just gay panic and -- change. I'm bad at change. And I wasn't totally sure how I felt."
He supposed he made it a bigger deal than it had to be. "Sorry I made you party, drink alcohol and date a lot of people." Tragic, truly tragic. "Must have been awful."
"It really was!" Yoongi exclaimed it, because at that moment he felt as if Namjoon was the only person in the world who would understand that he actually meant that. He turned onto his road, slowing down a little as they neared his place. There was a car park in front of the building, so at least he knew they wouldn't have far to do. "I think you make a great friend. So I'd love it if we were friends again."
"Okay, hyung. I'll try to be a better friend this time." Namjoon smiled at Yoongi, unsure but trying. "I'll be a good roommate too. I can cook for you." A horrible idea. "Or make you some coffee." A slightly better idea. "I want to not be in the way so just let me do things too. I could wash up or do the laundry." All horrible ideas but he was eager and so very excited to try and make up to him. "I'll be the best friend ever."
"...how about you just, I don't know. Fix up my computer?" Because he remembered watching Namjoon cook and nothing in his story made him feel inclined to believe that he had at all improved in the matter. Yoongi smiled at him and opened the door. "Tonight I will cook for you. And you can help your cat get used to the new place and sort out your books."
All the many he had apparently had felt a need to bring. "What do you want to eat? What's your favourite?"
"Erm, it's your kitchen so you can cook for me. Whatever you wish. I just don't eat seafood. I do like knife noodles though." Just putting that out there. He got out of the car, grabbing his too heavy bag and his cat, struggling along after Yoongi and nearly tripping over his dumb trenchcoat.
"What do you like to eat, hyung?" He supposed Yoongi had always eaten what he wanted and he was just curious if that changed at all.
"I eat whatever. I still know how to make knife noodles better than anyone outside my parents' shop though." So he had already made up his mind. Yoongi was glad that there was a lift, because it seemed like Namjoon might not have made it up the stairs. Between how heavy his bags were and his coat? Not a chance.
"I really do just eat whatever, honestly." He pressed the button for his floor and checked in on the cat, making sure he was doing fine. Seemed so. "I like food, but I'll eat anything. You've always been picky."
"Not picky. I just know what I like. These days, I eat a lot of chicken cause Yoongi likes it. Kitten Yoongi. Not you. Obviously. We like to split food and luckily, he hated tuna." Yeah, he was a weird cat person. It had officially happened. Was anyone really shocked cause his eomma certainly wasn't. Everyone kind of expected it. He supposed he was just lonely at the time and didn't feel like a dog level commitment.
"Do you still like music?" He remembered once that they planned to release a mix tape together. That never happened. One kiss at a party and all their dreams ended. "I still write."
Yoongi walked out of the lift and led the way down the hall. He listened to Namjoon and then nodded, while he sat the cat down so he could unlock the apartment. "I have a keyboard. I play most days and I compose sometimes. I was going to do songwriting, something like that, but I just couldn't."
It felt too raw. Too close to all these emotions he could never get closure on. That said he opened the door and stepped in, turning around to smirk at Namjoon. "Breathe in deeply. The smell of an apartment without any mould."
"My apartment smells fine. Yours is weird. It's all flowery. Flowers go outside." It was like lavender and very pleasant. He hated that. He dropped his bag at the door, slipped off his shoes and walked into the apartment, just looking around and checking out Yoongi's minimalist decor. "It's very you here. Lots of -- black."
And white. Of course. "I like your couch." It looked cosy. He turned to Yoongi and smiled playfully. "It's too clean in here. It's like a hotel."
"Yeah, I just don't have that much stuff." If he was to be honest here. Yoongi set the cat carrier down and bent down next to it, so he could open the door. He left the cat be, however, taking his own shoes off and walking in. His place was largely open plan, the kitchen was connected to the living room, just a small counter separating them. He liked to cook while the television was running, so it was for the best.
"I'm sure it won't be clean long, now that you are here." That said he turned on the television, immediately going on Netflix. "I'm going to put something on while I cook and you make yourself at home, yeah? Hoping you learn a thing or two."
"Sure, whatever." Picking up Yoongi, he carried his kitty into the living room and sat on the couch, just petting him and letting him get adjusted, willing to watch whatever Yoongi was putting on. Ever interested and ever curious. The idiot that he was. He kissed the top of his cats head and then looked up at Yoongi.
"Introducing you to order? You are welcome." Yoongi couldn't help teasing him. He was kneading the dough already, since it would have to rest for at least half an hour. Gave him the time to prepare a tasty broth as well, so he was all for it. "You don't have to thank me, Joon-ah. Let's just... Let's forget anything awkward happened. We've been friends since childhood. Of course you can stay with me. Your place is a shithole in a terrible neighbourhood."
"I like it." Namjoon pointed out as he watched some program about a tiny Japanese lady organising people's homes. Pfft. Like he could ever do that. He had too much stuff and it was all going nowhere. He supposed he was just stubborn like that. "I have the best house. Swanky, it has two rooms. People would kill for those two rooms. One is my detective office slash wardrobe."
Cause it's where he threw all of his clothes. Those these days, he could never find clean clothes so he just got new ones and added them to the pile. "I hope I can still solve crimes."
"You could solve crimes. It wouldn't be that hard to officially become an asset, work with the police. There's some ways you could do it. Then you could just do it and actually be paid for it, for one thing. Especially with computer stuff we can use help." Seriously. Yoongi was just decent with computers, but most of his colleagues typed with one finger, letter by letter, and into a browser no one else used any more.
He put the dough into the refrigerator for now and then turned around to get started on the broth. Not that much to do, after that, just waiting and simmering.
"I can't be a cop or anything. I don't pass the ... evaluations." He tried to prep for it once and basically realised it was impossible. Hence why he went to computers instead. "I would like to work official but it seems less organic. I'll miss the gritty streets of Seoul, the buzz of traffic and the chaos of being on the beat."
Said the guy who got arrested with a plastic baggy of talc. Clearly Namjoon had a romantic idea about this. "I mean, I don't have my trench coat for nothing."
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"I assume you mostly think negative things? Like how much I suck."
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"I don't like that you keep saying that now your brother is all you have. Because I-- We could still be friends. I'd like to be your friend, if you'll have me."
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He shouldn't have been such a jerk. "Can we be friends? After I did what I did? I don't know." He thought of two very apt poems he could quote right now, he was debating which one would sound the best.
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There had to be a way to recover what they'd lost. "Once you knew me better than anyone and I haven't really let anyone close since. I miss that."
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His eomma still had the plaque. It was pretty neat. His step dad told him it was awesome too. He was nice, way nicer than his actually dad. "After I graduated, I studied computing and here I am."
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He paused, stopping at a red light. "I did okay. I started... I did stupid things. Met the wrong people, was the wrong person. I couldn't have a good time doing what everyone was doing without alcohol, so I drank too much. Stopped talking to my parents so they wouldn't know how bad I was doing. Then I almost died. I wanted to. But cops found me and then I ended up joining the force instead."
Beat dying, he had to admit that much.
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So it went on and on, he didn't have a computer to respond and when he did, it had been a month and he was too anxious, assuming it was too late. "I thought it was too late to email."
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As he'd said, he had a wall. "But it helped. The academy, working with the force. Really did straighten me out."
Wait.
"I'm still gay. I mean, just. Emotionally."
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Namjoon didn't know how to say what he wanted to say so he was silent for a while. He stared out of the window, trying to psych himself up to actually say it. He just had to tell Yoongi he was gay and out but it didn't seem to want to be said. He lowered his head and took a shaky breath.
"I'm gay." Yep. Too little, too late. "I realised pretty late. Too late. I know. My eomma asked me one day, when we were at the shelter, she knew before I knew. Or maybe I always knew. I don't know. I just remember crying." Crying because of how much he messed up. "Now I'm out and proud but -- I dunno, I always feel like I shouldn't be proud of myself. I fucked up."
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There, he could just joke lightly. Surely that would help. "I think it's hard to be proud. I'm out, I've been out for a long time and I'm not ashamed of being gay. Not being ashamed of being me, that's harder."
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He supposed he made it a bigger deal than it had to be. "Sorry I made you party, drink alcohol and date a lot of people." Tragic, truly tragic. "Must have been awful."
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All the many he had apparently had felt a need to bring. "What do you want to eat? What's your favourite?"
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"What do you like to eat, hyung?" He supposed Yoongi had always eaten what he wanted and he was just curious if that changed at all.
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"I really do just eat whatever, honestly." He pressed the button for his floor and checked in on the cat, making sure he was doing fine. Seemed so. "I like food, but I'll eat anything. You've always been picky."
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"Do you still like music?" He remembered once that they planned to release a mix tape together. That never happened. One kiss at a party and all their dreams ended. "I still write."
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It felt too raw. Too close to all these emotions he could never get closure on. That said he opened the door and stepped in, turning around to smirk at Namjoon. "Breathe in deeply. The smell of an apartment without any mould."
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And white. Of course. "I like your couch." It looked cosy. He turned to Yoongi and smiled playfully. "It's too clean in here. It's like a hotel."
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"I'm sure it won't be clean long, now that you are here." That said he turned on the television, immediately going on Netflix. "I'm going to put something on while I cook and you make yourself at home, yeah? Hoping you learn a thing or two."
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"Thank you for this. I mean it."
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Cause it's where he threw all of his clothes. Those these days, he could never find clean clothes so he just got new ones and added them to the pile. "I hope I can still solve crimes."
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He put the dough into the refrigerator for now and then turned around to get started on the broth. Not that much to do, after that, just waiting and simmering.
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Said the guy who got arrested with a plastic baggy of talc. Clearly Namjoon had a romantic idea about this. "I mean, I don't have my trench coat for nothing."
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