"That sucks. I think they make creams for that? Or, like... salt baths." He wasn't sure, he thought he had heard that somewhere. And, hey, it filled the silence. Yoongi looked at Namjoon and then moved a little closer, turning to Hobi.
"Yoongi-nim?"
Right. That. "Just leave us alone for a little bit, please. I'll talk to you later, in private." He had to thank him properly too. Hobi bowed and left the room and Yoongi turned back to Namjoon once the door was closed.
He was back to not knowing what to say. "I'm sorry you got tortured because of me."
Yeah, that sounded just as dumb said out loud as it had in his head. "I wanted to come and visit sooner, but I couldn't make the time. I'm sorry about that too." There was a whole string of things to be sorry over. An endless string.
"It's okay... I didn't think you'd come anyway." So this was more of a shock than anything, he didn't know what to say about it. He didn't know what to do. Last time they spoke, he said things he shouldn't have and he didn't feel any better about the whole situation, even now. "I get why you didn't come so it's all good. Thank you for visiting me, Yoongi-nim."
He bowed low and winced, swiftly moving back upright and staring off ahead at the wall, not able to look at Yoongi. It hurt too much. He swallowed hard and tried to just not freak out.
"The only reason I didn't come was that I had a full schedule." Yoongi knew Namjoon wouldn't believe him, but he said it anyway. Equals. Friends. Partners. They were supposed to be so many things and now... He didn't even know. Yoongi-nim. That. Yoongi breathed through his nose. Jungkook. He could do that. He wouldn't have to stay that much longer, then Namjoon could relax, without him there.
"He's cute. He still likes bunnies. And he likes dinosaurs." He thought about Jungkook hugging Dooly and focused on that. Made it easier. "I'm buying him a lot of toys. Too many, probably. Like those transformers. The ones you told me about."
"I always wanted transformers. I saw this one in the window once. Bumblebee. He's in the movies, I went to go and watch the film while you were playing ball once. I always wanted a Bumblebee." And he never got one but he did enjoy sitting back and thinking about it. He sighed and then he looked over at his hyung, his boss, the man who might fire him any day now. He was probably just waiting until he was better.
He looked so tired and done, he supposed it made sense. He had a lot going on. A lot in his life. "I-- I'm really sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it." Well, not all of it. "I was in a lot of pain."
"I don't blame you." Yoongi hated that Namjoon was blaming himself. "I just want you to be in less pain. I want you to be happy." He stared at nothing much, then looked at Namjoon again. "I would always come to save you. Always."
It was true and yet it still felt empty and he didn't even know why. Because everything felt empty these days.
He moved forward and set the bag he had brought with him down on Namjoon's bed before stepping back again. "Just... Presents. I will give you something more official later, when you are better. If you want. This is just from me."
And inside there was a transformer - Yoongi wasn't sure which one, he just picked one that looked like something Namjoon would like - all wrapped up, and a small box with a silver bracelet with tiger heads on either end inside it. Because once upon a time, Namjoon had wanted to get friendship bracelets.
"You don't have to look at it now. I can go. I hope you have fun with Hobi."
"Hobi is weird. He made me take a selfie and he pulled at my lips." Namjoon mumbled as he pulled out the box and looked at it curiously. He tilted his head to the side and then he looked up at Yoongi, awkward and a bit pathetic - his usual jam. "Hyung, can you open it for me, my fingers aren't working well."
Namjoon did look awfully pathetic and yeah, he said hyung but he was in need and he missed his hyung. He looked at Yoongi, his eyes blood shot and tired, looking very defeated.
"Stay and help me. You can't give me a present and then leave."
That was just mean! It was like baking a cake and running off with all the tools. A terrible tragedy. "I left the library at nine, you know... I was coming home for a movie. Like I said. They-- They got me then."
"I know. I figured it out eventually, it just took a while." Not that many hours lost to that, but still. Maybe it would have made a difference, if he had just been even more paranoid. Yoongi moved back over and reached into the bag, unpacking the transformer first. He held it out for Namjoon, still in its box. "Here. He transforms."
He knew very little else about transformers, though he had a feeling Jungkook might change that soon.
He took the box from Namjoon and opened it, turning it so Namjoon could see and then holding up his hand, showing off the matching bracelet. "You don't have to wear it."
"Woah, it's Optimus Prime! He's the coolest, hyung." Namjoon laughed like a dork and looked at the box, looking it over and dropping it a few times. He was clumsy before but now with busted fingers, he was an utter nightmare. He hugged the box close and looked at his hyung unpacked the rest. "He is a truck. And he's cool."
He looked at the bracelet Yoongi had and then the one he was holding out... they matched. Like he asked for once. On the beach. He choked up a little at the sight and--
Damn it, why was he crying? "I'm sorry! I-- It's been a long day and--" And he had a bracelet. Bracelet buds.
"It's okay. You don't have to apologise. You are on meds and in pain." Yoongi took the bracelet out of the box and he put it around Namjoon's wrist, deciding that him not violently rejecting it right away was good enough for now. They could be bracelet buds for a bit, until Namjoon wouldn't feel like it any more. "I-- I got Gucci, because they do tigers in their stuff and, I don't know. The guys all like it."
"It's nice." He nodded and then he looked up at Yoongi, feeling afraid and unsure but he just wanted his hyung. And for so long now, he barely had him. He put him at arms length, rejected him and avoided him... and all he wanted from him was love. And he was still on meds and very emotional so he just melted under it all. "They told me you were dead. They said you didn't come and they went to find you, to kill you anyway. And I didn't think that it'd happen, it sounded like a lie but I couldn't think and I just kept thinking you were gone."
And that idea terrified him. "I can't lose you. I know I keep fucking up and I'm pissing you off but I need you."
"I'm sorry. I don't know why they told you that." What was the point in torturing Namjoon at all? As if he wouldn't have moved everything in the world just at the threat of it. As if he hadn't always tried whatever it took to make Namjoon happier.
Not that he had a good track record with it. He reached out and gently stroked Namjoon's hair. "You don't piss me off, Joon-ah. You don't. All I want is for you to be happy. I'm your hyung. I'm supposed to take care of you. I told you that when we first met."
"Well, that's a lie. I piss you off. I know when I piss you off cause you storm off." Namjoon laughed, smiling awkwardly and trying. He really was. He loved Yoongi with all his heart but there was so much there that just made everything harder. "Remember when you dated Sangwoo? I pissed you off a lot." Namjoon only thought of it cause Hobi weirdly questioned him about it recently. Hobi was weird in general.
He wiped at his face awkwardly and then tried his best to get his shit together. "I know you care about me but ... you keep pushing me away ad I don't want to go. And I'm scared."
"Well, sure. You pissed me off when you were being a brat on purpose. I just meant... Outside of that. No, you don't piss me off. Not just being yourself." And even the brattishness he could understand. The Sangwoo time had been excessive, however.
"The only reason, Joon-ah, that I've ever tried to push you away, it's because I think you deserve better. I don't want to hold you back."
"I wanted to be here with you. It's not holding me back if I want to do it. I know I said I hated it when we first started the trial but I was thirteen... things change. A lot. I wanted to work with you so we could -- could make it work. Remember what we said on the beach? It'll be okay if we're together, we'll be happy." And look at the past week or so. Hell. This last year. They'd both been miserable.
"I haven't been happy in a long time. Not since you ditched me." He wrapped his arms around his legs and looked at his hyung, trying to understand. "I know why you did it, I know logically but ... I was so scared."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that." He just wanted to give Namjoon a chance. Because he didn't believe in happiness for himself and if he had had any doubts about that, the confrontation with his father would have sealed the deal on that.
But he couldn't fight this any more, so he smiled a little at Namjoon. "I won't ditch you. When you feel better, when you've recovered, then you can take your place by my side."
Wouldn't that be neat. "On the plus side, you already missed the funeral."
"I-- I'm glad." He didn't even want to think about him. Or his own father. Kind of hoped he got thrown in a ditch somewhere, honestly. "How's Kookie doing? You said he has toys now. Bet he's excited to have a nice hyung to take care of him. Probably less scary." While Yoongi's father could be kind at times to him, he was also terrifying... and kinda a dick to Yoongi sometimes.
He didn't imagine Kookie was having the best life. "How old is he now? He was like ... one when we last saw him. He chewed all my pens. Does he still chew pens?"
"Well. Yeah. He chews pretty much everything. He's three, going on four." Yoongi frowned, thinking about it all. "My father cared for him a lot. He told me not to make Jungkook my heir. And Jungkook has happy memories of him. He liked him." Which was confusing in a lot of ways.
"He doesn't know that I killed him. I don't want to confuse him." Was it selfish? Maybe it was. But Jungkook only had him. He didn't want to change that for him. "Jungkook is sweet."
"It's pointless to tell him, he's too young to grasp what happened." And even so, he probably would get it more when he was older and the clan made more sense to him. "Do I get to meet him or do I have to keep distance? I know the clan has rules but I don't know the rules for cute toddlers."
He kinda just wanted to have a playdate and play with robots. That was the mood he was in lately. "Your dad cared for him, huh? I guess... I guess in some ways, it was a mercy he didn't act the same with you. Otherwise the trial would have sucked."
"He raised me to be his executioner. I guess part of me has known that for a while. He never wanted to care for me in any other way and he didn't. As he told me, this isn't something you do to someone you care for." Yoongi wished he could have talked more about that with him. His father really had been the only person to actually understand his life and his father was gone.
He shrugged and nodded his head. "Sure. You can meet Jungkook. He'll be glad to find out I have friends."
"He could maybe some visit. I won't say what happened. We could just say ... I got hit by a car. Kids are dumb, he won't overthink it." He'll just have a good warning about road safety so that was something? He smiled at Yoongi and ducked his head a little, just trying to get his head around everything.
"You know, your dad had his reasons. I'm sure he cared... he was holding them back, I know he was. We both know what your dad can do in a torture session. He played nice." And yet, it was still painful.
"Well. He wanted you to be able to work with me still. And I think he liked you." That was a different matter. He could allow himself to like Namjoon. Namjoon wasn't Yoongi. Just as he could like Jungkook. Love Jungkook. Yoongi wasn't bitter over it. "I'm glad that my brother was loved. Is loved. And sure, I can bring him by, if I can fit it in. You okay here, yeah? With Hobi?"
"Yeah. He'd decided to make me love him... it's been intense but okay." Namjoon shrugged a little, he knew what Hobi was trying to do and it was torture in some ways but it did take his mind off his misery. "He and Ten had karaoke in my room last night, they sang the greatest hits of G-Dragon and then some broadway hits."
"So, did you join in? Because I bet you'd sound amazing." Yoongi smiled, a bit easier now. Karaoke had been fun, a little bit the foundation of their initial friendship with Ten. So maybe that was what they were going for. Good. He hoped with time Namjoon could learn to appreciate that. "Hobi saved you, you know? I don't know if he's told you, but without you, I don't know if I could have pulled it off. I owe him, big time. I am picking out an expensive present for him."
"I didn't join in. I was kind of exhausted. Also I don't know a lot about Big Bang. I kind of missed out on music." Cause he forgot to pay attention, sure. He considered what Yoongi said and then hugged himself a little. "I appreciate it. That he helped me, even if he was paid to do it. I was always a jerk to him but... I was so jealous of him. He was so happy and free, he just got to be with you."
And that was all Namjoon wanted too. "I wanted that freedom."
"He would have helped you even without music." Yoongi wanted Namjoon to know that. Hobi was a good guy. No matter how Namjoon felt about him. "I wanted you to have that freedom too. I'm sorry I never managed to give you that."
Yoongi smiled a little. "Puberty on the Streets, huh?" He had tried, though he probably hadn't tried hard enough. Namjoon had been so stubborn. Had hated that he had to leave, had hated that Yoongi enjoyed so much of the experience and had resented his friends. "If it helps, he's not going to get to be with me again. You, however, might just be stuck with that friendship."
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"Yoongi-nim?"
Right. That. "Just leave us alone for a little bit, please. I'll talk to you later, in private." He had to thank him properly too. Hobi bowed and left the room and Yoongi turned back to Namjoon once the door was closed.
He was back to not knowing what to say. "I'm sorry you got tortured because of me."
Yeah, that sounded just as dumb said out loud as it had in his head. "I wanted to come and visit sooner, but I couldn't make the time. I'm sorry about that too." There was a whole string of things to be sorry over. An endless string.
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He bowed low and winced, swiftly moving back upright and staring off ahead at the wall, not able to look at Yoongi. It hurt too much. He swallowed hard and tried to just not freak out.
"How is young Jungkook-ah?"
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"He's cute. He still likes bunnies. And he likes dinosaurs." He thought about Jungkook hugging Dooly and focused on that. Made it easier. "I'm buying him a lot of toys. Too many, probably. Like those transformers. The ones you told me about."
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He looked so tired and done, he supposed it made sense. He had a lot going on. A lot in his life. "I-- I'm really sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it." Well, not all of it. "I was in a lot of pain."
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It was true and yet it still felt empty and he didn't even know why. Because everything felt empty these days.
He moved forward and set the bag he had brought with him down on Namjoon's bed before stepping back again. "Just... Presents. I will give you something more official later, when you are better. If you want. This is just from me."
And inside there was a transformer - Yoongi wasn't sure which one, he just picked one that looked like something Namjoon would like - all wrapped up, and a small box with a silver bracelet with tiger heads on either end inside it. Because once upon a time, Namjoon had wanted to get friendship bracelets.
"You don't have to look at it now. I can go. I hope you have fun with Hobi."
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Namjoon did look awfully pathetic and yeah, he said hyung but he was in need and he missed his hyung. He looked at Yoongi, his eyes blood shot and tired, looking very defeated.
"Stay and help me. You can't give me a present and then leave."
That was just mean! It was like baking a cake and running off with all the tools. A terrible tragedy. "I left the library at nine, you know... I was coming home for a movie. Like I said. They-- They got me then."
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He knew very little else about transformers, though he had a feeling Jungkook might change that soon.
He took the box from Namjoon and opened it, turning it so Namjoon could see and then holding up his hand, showing off the matching bracelet. "You don't have to wear it."
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He looked at the bracelet Yoongi had and then the one he was holding out... they matched. Like he asked for once. On the beach. He choked up a little at the sight and--
Damn it, why was he crying? "I'm sorry! I-- It's been a long day and--" And he had a bracelet. Bracelet buds.
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Now he was just rambling.
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And that idea terrified him. "I can't lose you. I know I keep fucking up and I'm pissing you off but I need you."
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Not that he had a good track record with it. He reached out and gently stroked Namjoon's hair. "You don't piss me off, Joon-ah. You don't. All I want is for you to be happy. I'm your hyung. I'm supposed to take care of you. I told you that when we first met."
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He wiped at his face awkwardly and then tried his best to get his shit together. "I know you care about me but ... you keep pushing me away ad I don't want to go. And I'm scared."
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"The only reason, Joon-ah, that I've ever tried to push you away, it's because I think you deserve better. I don't want to hold you back."
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"I haven't been happy in a long time. Not since you ditched me." He wrapped his arms around his legs and looked at his hyung, trying to understand. "I know why you did it, I know logically but ... I was so scared."
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But he couldn't fight this any more, so he smiled a little at Namjoon. "I won't ditch you. When you feel better, when you've recovered, then you can take your place by my side."
Wouldn't that be neat. "On the plus side, you already missed the funeral."
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He didn't imagine Kookie was having the best life. "How old is he now? He was like ... one when we last saw him. He chewed all my pens. Does he still chew pens?"
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"He doesn't know that I killed him. I don't want to confuse him." Was it selfish? Maybe it was. But Jungkook only had him. He didn't want to change that for him. "Jungkook is sweet."
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He kinda just wanted to have a playdate and play with robots. That was the mood he was in lately. "Your dad cared for him, huh? I guess... I guess in some ways, it was a mercy he didn't act the same with you. Otherwise the trial would have sucked."
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He shrugged and nodded his head. "Sure. You can meet Jungkook. He'll be glad to find out I have friends."
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"You know, your dad had his reasons. I'm sure he cared... he was holding them back, I know he was. We both know what your dad can do in a torture session. He played nice." And yet, it was still painful.
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It was very loud and ... mixed.
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And that was all Namjoon wanted too. "I wanted that freedom."
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Yoongi smiled a little. "Puberty on the Streets, huh?" He had tried, though he probably hadn't tried hard enough. Namjoon had been so stubborn. Had hated that he had to leave, had hated that Yoongi enjoyed so much of the experience and had resented his friends. "If it helps, he's not going to get to be with me again. You, however, might just be stuck with that friendship."
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