"...converse highs?" But that made no sense. No inmate would be wearing anything but the standard issue shoes and the same was true of Jungkook or any of the other guards. If they were still alive. Oh. Yoongi. Whoever that was. He supposed that made sense, regulations were less strict for custodial stuff.
So he had passed out in front of Yoongi, because he'd laughed? "You might have hyperventilated." It sure sounded like it. But what had caused it? "Usually that's a reaction to something upsetting. An effect of an anxiety attack, for instance."
Not that Namjoon was prone to this, going by his file, but Jin supposed there were special circumstances right now. But why that change from laughing? "I haven't heard you laugh before. I'm guessing it doesn't happen often?"
He gritted his teeth, hating how he felt right now. Weak. Pathetic. Weird. He anxiously gripped his shirt and fought against how uncomfortable it was. He wanted to ask what to do but he didn't want to admit that he needed help so he was kind of stuck. "It was funny and -- we were talking and I just. I dunno. That's never happened to me before." He'd never had an attack like that.
He never lost control. "That's what happens to Tae! I'm not like Tae! Did someone -- did someone drug me?" He looked up, eyeing Jin with a sudden coldness. "Did you fuck with me, doc?"
"No, I didn't drug you. Or do anything to you. You know that, you are never receptive for what I want to do with you." Except right now, apparently. Jin looked at Namjoon and his heart hurt a little. So broken. He wished he could help him better. "Something about the person you were talking to must touch you in a way you are not used to. You said it yourself, you like control. When you feel out of your depth, you feel as if you're losing control. Then you panic." It was simple enough, but of course it wasn't actually simple at all.
"You must have panicked, because you were feeling something unusual. You were laughing, so what you were feeling might have been positive?"
"It was. I don't -- I can't remember when I last laughed." Namjoon frowned as he tried to remember. A proper, real laugh like that? God. He thought back as far as he could but it took some time. "When I was sixteen, before everything went to shit, I wrote a rap for my brother and he was bad at it... that was the last time I laughed." Shit. Was it that long? That was insane. He hadn't even thought about it like that before.
His stomach churned as he thought about laughing, about Yoongi, and he leaned forward suddenly to hold his stomach. It felt bad. Everything did. "It's not anxiety or panic. I'm not Tae. I'm sick. Something is wrong with me." He squirmed and tried to breath. "This isn't fair, I just got power. I can't be sick through it."
"You like him, don't you? Yoongi-ssi." Since he didn't know anything about the man other than that he was a janitor, supposedly had a big dick and wore converse high, red ones, Jin just settled on calling him that for now. Easy enough. "It's not anything that's wrong with you, it's just something that takes some getting used to. It's not easy for you to let anyone close to you, and he isn't someone you can control like you try with most people. Is he?"
"No, he's a stubborn bastard. He's -- He said I can call him hyung." It was weird. And he hadn't, on purpose, and then he slipped recently. Sitting back in his chair, Namjoon pulled his legs up without thinking and held them close, looking so much like his younger brother in that moment. Right down to the nervous way he chewed his lower lip. "Sometimes I think about my ideal friend, you know? Like when I'm alone and it's like... I dunno, he just came to life and I'm half sure I'm delusional and he's not real."
It was pretty surreal. "I--I don't like to like people."
"An ideal friend." Jin repeated the phrase, looking at Namjoon curiously. What would an ideal friend to Namjoon even be like? He couldn't imagine. Maybe it was a little like Namjoon described, him projecting onto someone. That made sense, he supposed. A stubborn bastard, making him call him hyung. Interesting.
"It's not bad though, is it? Having a hyung. I know I love my hyungs." Best not to think about that now. He didn't know if he'd ever see them again. A taboo subject, just like his family. "What do you like about him? Maybe it will help you accept it when you understand it better."
"I've never had a hyung. I am the hyung. I'm a good hyung." Namjoon insisted stubbornly, looking off elsewhere. "That's what I have to be. For Tae. He's sensitive, he needs me." He fell apart so easily. He cried earlier today, he heard him when he came to visit and when he tried to comfort him, he was almost shutting down again. he wanted to make Tae happy and he kept making it worse.
"He likes music and he's a dick to me but he -- I don't know, maybe he actually likes me?" It was weird, that didn't happen. "People never like me." He knew Jin didn't, he didn't blame him, he set out to make him hate him. That was safer. "Dad always said no one likes a know-it-all. Especially not one like me."
"You can be a hyung and still have hyungs." Jin thought that was a simple enough concept, but apparently it wasn't that way for Namjoon. Not surprising, given everything, but he still had to mention it. "You can be strong for Tae and have someone who looks after you anyway."
In Jin's opinion, he needed a lot of people that would look after him. He needed different circumstances and maybe he'd stand a chance. Even now still. "Sounds like you've found someone who likes you and cares about you. Is that really so bad, Namjoon-ah?"
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So he had passed out in front of Yoongi, because he'd laughed? "You might have hyperventilated." It sure sounded like it. But what had caused it? "Usually that's a reaction to something upsetting. An effect of an anxiety attack, for instance."
Not that Namjoon was prone to this, going by his file, but Jin supposed there were special circumstances right now. But why that change from laughing? "I haven't heard you laugh before. I'm guessing it doesn't happen often?"
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He gritted his teeth, hating how he felt right now. Weak. Pathetic. Weird. He anxiously gripped his shirt and fought against how uncomfortable it was. He wanted to ask what to do but he didn't want to admit that he needed help so he was kind of stuck. "It was funny and -- we were talking and I just. I dunno. That's never happened to me before." He'd never had an attack like that.
He never lost control. "That's what happens to Tae! I'm not like Tae! Did someone -- did someone drug me?" He looked up, eyeing Jin with a sudden coldness. "Did you fuck with me, doc?"
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"You must have panicked, because you were feeling something unusual. You were laughing, so what you were feeling might have been positive?"
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His stomach churned as he thought about laughing, about Yoongi, and he leaned forward suddenly to hold his stomach. It felt bad. Everything did. "It's not anxiety or panic. I'm not Tae. I'm sick. Something is wrong with me." He squirmed and tried to breath. "This isn't fair, I just got power. I can't be sick through it."
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It was pretty surreal. "I--I don't like to like people."
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"It's not bad though, is it? Having a hyung. I know I love my hyungs." Best not to think about that now. He didn't know if he'd ever see them again. A taboo subject, just like his family. "What do you like about him? Maybe it will help you accept it when you understand it better."
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"He likes music and he's a dick to me but he -- I don't know, maybe he actually likes me?" It was weird, that didn't happen. "People never like me." He knew Jin didn't, he didn't blame him, he set out to make him hate him. That was safer. "Dad always said no one likes a know-it-all. Especially not one like me."
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In Jin's opinion, he needed a lot of people that would look after him. He needed different circumstances and maybe he'd stand a chance. Even now still. "Sounds like you've found someone who likes you and cares about you. Is that really so bad, Namjoon-ah?"