"... See you?" Namjoon watched Yoongi disappear and frowned for a while, turning back to his task and hmming a little. Was that a thing now? See you after a shower? Cause he guessed it made sense. Why was Yoongi being so weird today? Was it cause he was being weird? Was it like... weird to combat weird?
Oh God, did he know that he was worrying about stupid stuff? Was he mad? Did he do something? Namjoon panicked, tried to calm down and then finally, when Yoongi came back, he was totally cool.
"Hey, bae. I see you." What. "Did you good shower?" ... What?
"Er. Okay." Yoongi shrugged his shoulders and blinked, wondering how to answer this question. Finally he just indicated his hair. "Washed my hair." Such exciting news. Yoongi sat down on the edge of the bed, adjusting his shirt a bit. The tag was itchy. Or maybe he was just overly sensitive because he was on edge, both very possible.
"So. What's up?" Wait, now he sounded suspicious. Maybe he could turn it into a joke? "Doc?"
"Your hair looks very ... wet. So. Hey. Good job." Namjoon turned around in his seat, holding papers and trying to look busy. He was hoping the papers would help illustrated the busy part. Because he was very unsure. Was he doing a very lowkey and strangely depressing Bugs Bunny impression or did he actually want to talk?
"Nothing is up with me." Just to be very clear. "I have some flaky skin... kinda itchy." He really did not have to share that. "How about you?"
"The tag itches. From my shirt." Yoongi indicated the back of his shirt and felt like an idiot. He assumed he looked like one too. Taking a deep breath, he realised he wouldn't be able to put this off any further. "So. Hey, Joon-ah. Why can't you sleep these days? You got something on your mind?"
There, he managed it without any further Looney Toons references.
"Tags are itchy." Namjoon agreed before setting his papers down and turning back around to stack them up neatly, sensing he wasn't going to get a lot of work done. "I dunno, just can't sleep. I'm a bit stressy and everything is a bit floopy and blah so I'm just -- you know? It's no biggie. I'm fine."
He exclusively only cried in the shower so that was pretty good, right? Refreshing. "Nothing is wrong. Do you think something is wrong? Did I -- wrong?"
"I think you being stressy and... those other things, that kind of indicates something being wrong. I don't think you are wrong. Or did anything wrong." And he couldn't have a serious conversation using words like floopy and blah.
Part of Yoongi wanted to go over there and sit on Namjoon's lap and just hope that bad things would go away if he made out with him long enough, but that didn't seem like the dignified way to handle this. "So. Why are you so stressed, huh?"
"Just work, you know? Work is busy. And it's stressful cause, I mean, you know. It's our life." Kind of. It was the more defining part of their life, at least. Namjoon swallowed hard, so many fears and anxieties he didn't want to voice because then what? What would he do? It couldn't help or fix anything so why bring it up?
"Just talking to Hobi about some stuff, had -- I remembered some things so it's no big deal but ... I'll be fine." He smiled weakly at Yoongi, unsure what else to say. "Like I said: floopy."
"I see." So that was about as bad as he'd have thought it could be. His heart felt as if it was being squeezed by an ice cold hand and he felt this urge to run and hide and... Tell someone who'd help him through it, but his only friend in the entire word was in the room with him.
Mostly Yoongi was just grateful that he was trained to hide how he actually felt, so he just smiled back faintly. "We can talk about it too. Maybe it will help."
"It doesn't help." What would the end conclusion be? The same as it always was. He turned around in his chair and looked at Yoongi again, smiling at him. "I'm sorry, I don't know why it's on my mind... actually, I do. Hobi sucks. I always said Hobi sucks and he sucks." He made him an anxious mess! Not that he wasn't already one but he made it worse. Namjoon just wanted to not talk about it now, he just wanted to be held by Yoongi and be happy but he was too anxious to even settle down and hope for it.
"Yoon-ah... are you happy?" He had to ask. He couldn't help it. "Me aside, forget that, are you?"
Yoongi frowned, caught off-guard. Besides, he knew that Namjoon didn't want him schooling his face when it was just the two of them. He'd demanded that often enough, Yoongi just couldn't help it when he felt cornered. That question though... "How can I answer that 'you aside', when you and Kookie are what makes me happy?"
Seemed as if it would be missing a vital component there. "Are you unhappy?"
"I love Kookie more than anything, he makes me smile even when I'm down and you -- you are the one, you've always been the one." He didn't deny that for a second. Even when he didn't know, he knew. Even when he was yelling at him and hating him, he knew he was in love. "You piss me off sometimes and we fight, sure, but you're the one."
He smiled at Yoongi, earnest and true, but he still felt that cloud of gloom hanging over him. "I'm only happy here. With you and Kookie. In our home. Where you can smile at me and love me. Where we can have friends and interests. Where we can be people. The moment we leave the house, we lose it all."
Yoongi shrugged a little, feeling helpless. His heart was beating fast and he wanted to pretend that it didn't. He wished he knew where this conversation was going, but there was really no way to tell. Damn it, why couldn't Kookie still be younger and randomly scream in the middle of the night? He could really use that right now. "You can hang out with Jin... Or with Hobi. Or anyone, really. I mean, you already do that, I'm sure you could do it more. I think you should, if it can make you happy."
"You should. You should hang out with Hobi. You never have friends, you can't see anyone. You can't smile at me. People think I date Jin cause at least we can be affectionate together." He sighed and knew this wasn't Yoongi's fault, he knew why it was like it but it still got to him. He rubbed at his eyes, they burned but he wasn't crying so that was a win. He didn't want to seem wussy. "When I was ... your dad said things and ... and they're right. And I don't want them to be."
He wrapped his arms around his legs and tried not to get too worked up. "I don't like being in a world where you can't love your brother in front of people."
"Hey. Come here, yeah?" Yoongi held a hand out to Namjoon, still feeling so very uncertain but smiling at him a little, hoping he could at least hold him. Then he'd at least have something certain, even if it was just the feeling of Namjoon in his arms. "What did my dad say? What was right?"
That was probably something he didn't even want to know, but he wanted to hear it from Namjoon anyway. Clearly they had to talk about it.
"I don't want to say." Namjoon came over, he sat down by him and held his hand, feeling anxious and unsure. He leaned against Yoongi a little and closed his eyes. It was hard for him to talk about, even now. It was so obvious, he was so tense and uneasy. He range his tongue along the teeth inside his mouth, just making sure they were all there still, as if they'd somehow go. Like his poor missing back molar.
"He said that I should hope that you never come... don't come to save me. Cause. Cause then you'd have to kill him. And all you'll get is misery from it." He looked down at his socked feet. Ryan. Naturally. "You didn't have to come and then you could have been happy."
"That doesn't even make sense, Joon-ah. I'd never be happy without you." Not that it didn't sound like something his father would have said. "Come on. Even if we set aside that I'd have always, always, always done whatever it takes to save you, even if we pretend that you didn't exist at all. I'd have never stopped being Min Yoongi and my father would have always found a way to provoke me into acting."
Yoongi frowned, reaching for Namjoon's hand and taking it in his. "I never once, not even for a moment, believed that I'd have any other life than I have now."
Well. "I mean. Not true. I believed you'd choose a different life. I tried to hope for that. Like my father said to you. So I could spare you the misery. But it's a hard thing to hope for."
"I wanted to stay with you. I would never regret that." He was quiet for a moment before adding sheepishly. "Hyung, I'm sorry about what I said. I always think about it and I didn't mean it! I was so upset and -- and I was out of it. I don't blame you for anything. I just... I'm so grateful. Without you, I'd be alone."
He smiled at Yoongi and leaned into him. "I'd be alone, weird and have no money to support my dumb book collection."
"I'd have given you money." Wait. That wasn't the right response to this heartfelt confession, so Yoongi looked sheepish and kissed Namjoon's cheek, then the corner of his mouth, then his lips. "Sorry. Just. I had to think about it, yeah? But I'm glad. I'm glad you don't regret staying with me."
He sighed, tugging lightly on a strand of Namjoon's hair. "You can't sleep because of things that happened years ago and because I can't have friends? I was never mad at you, Joon-ah."
"I know but I wish you had more freedom. I wish we both did! I want to do so much. I want to help my friends when they need it, I want to hug Kookie in public when he wants a hug and not have to argue to let him hold Dooly. I want you to be able to play that dumb ball game you like." God, he used to have to watch him play that and hate it so much... how times had changed. He almost missed it.
"I want us to be happier. I'll always want that. But I'm happy as things are now."
"Listen, Namjoon, if you really want that to change..." Yoongi thought about it. Well, the parts he could let himself think about. "You can hug Kookie. I mean. It wouldn't be so hard. Shifting your position a little. We have been working on that. Just... Just hold him sometimes. People will get used to it, like they got used to Dooly."
Basketball. Heh. Yoongi laughed and leaned his head against Namjoon's shoulder. "The hell do you want me playing basketball, you whined so much about that."
"So my job would be second in command and Kookie hugger... I think Kookie is gonna approve." Their landmark win, honestly, was getting him the Dooly toy so he had no regrets on that win. So maybe this one would be good too. Then Kookie could sit on his lap when he was being fussy. Not that he was much. He was such a good boy.
"I want you to enjoy yourself but God, that was so boooooring. You just ran back and forth playing bouncy ball to make hoopies and then everyone cheers. Urgh."
"Hoopies, yeah? Are you sure you weren't pantsed when you went to school?" Yoongi's knowledge of school came from TV and everything Namjoon had told him about it. He was smiling, kissing him again. "People can start wondering if you are my partner in more than just business. I don't mind that, not if it means you can handle Kookie and hold him in public. Means you are happier."
Even if he wasn't about to play basketball again. Yoongi sighed, leaning back. "I'm working on the Hobi thing, I am. It's tricky and you know I hate it too."
"Only once but the guy sucked." Namjoon huffed as he flopped into Yoongi's lap and smiled up at him, way more at ease now. They always got there. In the end, at least. "You and your dumb hoopies. All the jocks loved hoopies." Yeah, he was gonna own being a nerd. What else was new?
"I know. I get it. Hobi is just intent on bumming me out lately. For real. We need to get him laid for my own mental health."
Yoongi laughed, looking down at Namjoon and running his fingers through his hair. Damn, he hadn't thought that much about playing basketball in a long time. Maybe he could... Well, nothing, really. Maybe play around with a ball some by himself, because that was really cool.
"Sorry Hobi is letting you have it. It's stressful for him, so I guess he has to stress someone else. I don't really blame him. I was going crazy when... You know. Back then. Had to keep my cool and just wanted to wail, really."
"We have to help him. If Jimin is alive then... we should act." Even if they didn't have a stake, even if he was a whore, Namjoon was going to find a loophole and exploit to so they could. "I'm going to look for a good loophole or just come up with some bullshit reason loosely linked to him."
Maybe he could say Jimin was a king of something... it could happen. "We owe Hobi a lot. We should return the favour."
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Oh God, did he know that he was worrying about stupid stuff? Was he mad? Did he do something? Namjoon panicked, tried to calm down and then finally, when Yoongi came back, he was totally cool.
"Hey, bae. I see you." What. "Did you good shower?" ... What?
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"So. What's up?" Wait, now he sounded suspicious. Maybe he could turn it into a joke? "Doc?"
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"Nothing is up with me." Just to be very clear. "I have some flaky skin... kinda itchy." He really did not have to share that. "How about you?"
Wait. "Not the flaky skin but like, what's up?"
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There, he managed it without any further Looney Toons references.
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He exclusively only cried in the shower so that was pretty good, right? Refreshing. "Nothing is wrong. Do you think something is wrong? Did I -- wrong?"
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Part of Yoongi wanted to go over there and sit on Namjoon's lap and just hope that bad things would go away if he made out with him long enough, but that didn't seem like the dignified way to handle this. "So. Why are you so stressed, huh?"
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"Just talking to Hobi about some stuff, had -- I remembered some things so it's no big deal but ... I'll be fine." He smiled weakly at Yoongi, unsure what else to say. "Like I said: floopy."
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Mostly Yoongi was just grateful that he was trained to hide how he actually felt, so he just smiled back faintly. "We can talk about it too. Maybe it will help."
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"Yoon-ah... are you happy?" He had to ask. He couldn't help it. "Me aside, forget that, are you?"
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Seemed as if it would be missing a vital component there. "Are you unhappy?"
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He smiled at Yoongi, earnest and true, but he still felt that cloud of gloom hanging over him. "I'm only happy here. With you and Kookie. In our home. Where you can smile at me and love me. Where we can have friends and interests. Where we can be people. The moment we leave the house, we lose it all."
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He wrapped his arms around his legs and tried not to get too worked up. "I don't like being in a world where you can't love your brother in front of people."
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That was probably something he didn't even want to know, but he wanted to hear it from Namjoon anyway. Clearly they had to talk about it.
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"He said that I should hope that you never come... don't come to save me. Cause. Cause then you'd have to kill him. And all you'll get is misery from it." He looked down at his socked feet. Ryan. Naturally. "You didn't have to come and then you could have been happy."
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Yoongi frowned, reaching for Namjoon's hand and taking it in his. "I never once, not even for a moment, believed that I'd have any other life than I have now."
Well. "I mean. Not true. I believed you'd choose a different life. I tried to hope for that. Like my father said to you. So I could spare you the misery. But it's a hard thing to hope for."
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He smiled at Yoongi and leaned into him. "I'd be alone, weird and have no money to support my dumb book collection."
A tragedy, of course.
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He sighed, tugging lightly on a strand of Namjoon's hair. "You can't sleep because of things that happened years ago and because I can't have friends? I was never mad at you, Joon-ah."
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"I want us to be happier. I'll always want that. But I'm happy as things are now."
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Basketball. Heh. Yoongi laughed and leaned his head against Namjoon's shoulder. "The hell do you want me playing basketball, you whined so much about that."
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"I want you to enjoy yourself but God, that was so boooooring. You just ran back and forth playing bouncy ball to make hoopies and then everyone cheers. Urgh."
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Even if he wasn't about to play basketball again. Yoongi sighed, leaning back. "I'm working on the Hobi thing, I am. It's tricky and you know I hate it too."
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"I know. I get it. Hobi is just intent on bumming me out lately. For real. We need to get him laid for my own mental health."
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"Sorry Hobi is letting you have it. It's stressful for him, so I guess he has to stress someone else. I don't really blame him. I was going crazy when... You know. Back then. Had to keep my cool and just wanted to wail, really."
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Maybe he could say Jimin was a king of something... it could happen. "We owe Hobi a lot. We should return the favour."
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