powerboys | Can't breathe in the sunlight

Without a word, Tae s,id into Jiho's room, stayed, very, very quiet and laid down on his stomach, shimmying under Jiho's bed. He closed his eyes, hoping that him not seeing anything would make him harder to see as well.

He wasn't sure what he'd done to set Kangwoo off, he just knew he didn't want to get hurt today. He had been having an okay day so far, he didn't want to have to cry.

Jiho wasn't sure what was going on but suddenly Kangwoo was running up the stairs and slammed his door open, making Jiho jump out of his skin and almost fall off the bed. The bed creaked at his sudden movement. "Where the fuck is Taehyung?"

"I don't know! He's not in here, hyung. Go check outside, he's probably in the treehouse or he ran off again. You know Tae." Kangwoo glared Jiho and waited for the boy to look more cowed and submissive before he backed out of the room, slamming the door shut. Jiho waited, listened to Kangwoo go downstairs before he got up.

He hurried to his door, slid a chair under the door handle so no one could get in and then stood by the bed. Of course he knew he was there. "Tae... what did you do?"

"Nothing, hyung! I didn't do nothing, he just saw me and then he got really angry." There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, so Tae shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe it's because I was born." That seemed about right. He knew Kangwoo hated that he was born and hated that he was alive. He had tried to stop a couple times, but no matter how hard he held his breath, eventually he always started breathing again. In the end he'd decided that he liked living. Especially when he managed to hide from Kangwoo.

"Are you playing, hyung?"

He knew Jiho wouldn't want to play with him, but he was still curious.

"No, I don't play. Babies play." Jiho climbed back up on the bed and bounced on it loudly to scare Tae a little. "Get out from under my bed, I put the chair under the door, he can't get in." And knowing Kangwoo, he'd lose interest soon anyway. Jiho settled comfortably again and went back to studying.

Father said his grades had to improve or he was going to get the belt again. It wasn't fair, he worked hard, he studied hard - why did he still get bad grades? "I'm reading, Tae. If you're gonna stay in here, stay quiet."

"Okay." Tae nodded his head as he pulled himself out from under the bed, wishing he had brought a book with him. At least he'd already done his homework. He leaned back against the wall and thought about when he had had a stuffed toy. Kangwoo had made sure he didn't have it any more and sometimes, in his head, he just made up the adventures his toy would have now.

It was a fun way to pass the time, but he'd have preferred if he could draw some. Or listen to music. Or sing.

"...is the book good, hyung?"

"No. It's... It's not good." The words sometimes jumbled in his head and he kept reading the same damn paragraph but nothing was sinking in. He had to write a book report on this and if he didn't get at least a B, he was in big trouble. It made him more and more anxious when he thought about it and that, in turn, made it more difficult to read.

He peered over his book, watching Tae just sitting there, watching him.

"Quit it." He didn't like being stared at. "Stop watching me, weirdo. Can't you play by yourself?"

"Sorry, hyungie." Tae smiled at him, since he thought it was nice to be smiled at - especially since his hyung seemed to be in a bad mood. He would have hugged him too, because that made him feel better, but he remembered that Jiho didn't like that, so he just gave him the thumbs up. "I'll play by myself!"

That said he turned around, looking at the ground. He wondered whether there were tiny animals living on the ground that felt like that was their whole world. It was probably not too bad, living in Jiho's room. But it'd be pretty bad to be in Kangwoo's room! Or in the bathroom. The thought made him giggle.

His reading halted and he turned his head, watching the other giggle with a confused expression. Tae was so weird, how did he always find something to laugh at. He wasn't even sure. He watched the odd boy giggle to himself and idly wondered what it would be like to feel like that - happy and carefree, to not worry about the world so much.

He ignored him for a little while longer before the book started to upset him. Not because it was sad, it was just too hard and it made his chest feel tight. He closed it and looked at Tae. "Did you know that there's an invisible elephant in every room?"

"There is?!" Tae turned around with wide eyes, immediately ready to embrace the new knowledge and find out everything about it. "How do they fit?" That seemed like a very logical questions, some elephants were quite big. They came from Africa or India and they had trunks. They had big ears, to help with the heat. Wait...

"Do they get cold when we have the air condition on?" Priorities.

"No, they adapted. They're smaller and they fit anywhere. They don't get cold or hot, they're like us. And they're always in the corner but you can't tell which one." Jiho made up, knowing this was bad. He shouldn't encourage Tae, it just made Kangwoo madder but ... Jiho didn't like the idea of him losing his spark. Personally, he kind of liked it.

"You know whenever grown up says the whole 'there's an elephant in the room'... well, there really is." He smiled a little and tilted his head back, eyeing up the corner. "I've never found mine. They're the best hiders known to man."

Tae's eyes were wide and full of wonder as he looked from his hyung into every corner and finally focused on the corner Jiho was looking at. Ohhh, he bet that was where the corner was, Jiho was too smart to not know. Still, Tae didn't go looking for it. "I bet the elephant is just being quiet and hiding well so he can always stay with you! You can't send him away."

He wished he could be a bit like that elephant and so he pretended to be one now, making a trunk with his arms.

"Really? Cause the elephant probably has other things it could do. I'm just studying, it's not fun. It'd be more fun to play with you." Jiho watched Tae do his elephant trunk and smiled a little, turning away from him so he could pick up his book again. He tried his best, he really did, but he felt sick to his stomach just looking at school work.

So he just talked over his shoulder instead, trying to ignore the panic. He had to get better at school but how? He was so bad at it. "I wouldn't send him away, I guess. I mean I'd be bored without the elephant, wouldn't I?"

"I don't think you ever get bored, hyung. Not with the elephant!" Or alone. Jiho never wanted to play, so Tae figured that he wasn't interested, therefore he couldn't be bored. Simple logic. "Hyung, can I help with your studying? I could hold the book." Maybe not the most exciting thing in the world either, but it would be with Jiho and Jiho was the best.

"Or you can tell me what the book is about. What's it about, hyung?"

"It's about a boy living during the war and what he felt like, his dad went to fight so it's just him and his eomma." He had to get up in front of the class soon and talk about the book but he was three chapters in and his stomach was queasy. He bit his lower lip and lowered his head. Why was he too stupid to do this? He had to try harder. Kangwoo was reading books like this at his age. Kangwoo could read books like this in Japanese when he was his age.

"I--I could read it to you if you want." Jiho turned his head, looking at Tae and trying not to look as nervous as he was. "You can come sit on my bed. This once. Doesn't mean you can always, yeah? Don't get cocky."

"Ohh... Eomma." He liked that. Tae nodded eagerly and climbed onto the bed, immediately settling in nicely and waiting for his big brother to read to him. He loved books! Books were fun and he was allowed to play with books and read them and be in another world. It was the best thing.

Well. It might have been better if he had a stuffed toy too, but he was too old for that now. "Please read, I'll be quiet!"

"Okay... this book can be a little sad. If it gets too sad, you got to say." Jiho read aloud to him, slow and careful, stuttering over words and trying his best to get through it. Tae was a good audience, he gasped, he laughed, he smiled and it made Jiho a bit more at ease. As he kept reading, he felt a horrible sensation come over him - the eomma was going to die, he could see it coming.

So he made up his own story. He stopped reading the words and saved the mom, closing the book at the end of the chapter. "That's enough for one day."

"I like your story." Tae smiled and wrapped his arms around himself, because he knew Jiho didn't like hugs. It was nice to imagine hugging Jiho too and so he did as he looked at him. He knew what it was like in Jiho's arms, all warm and safe. No one was as good as his big brother. "Did you change the story? That is so clever. Because the flower, the flower lost petals and then it died and I thought that was because the eomma would die, but then she didn't! And that's much better. When you change it you need to make it so the flower doesn't die either. Then it's the best story. You are so smart, hyung!"

"Pfft, did not. The story is just nice. Books are just ... whatever you want them to be. Whatever. Doesn't matter." When did Tae start getting so smart. He rolled his eyes and tossed the book onto the bottom of the bed, lying back with his arms behind his head, looking up at his ceiling. "The flower was fine. It's the kind of flower that regrows. So it's new but it's old, you know? All the same memories and same feelings, same flower but new body. New petals. It happens." He doubted it but it was so easy to lie to Tae. "No one dies in my stories."

"But people die in real life. I wonder where they go. Maybe they can see us, just invisible. Like the elephant. Like there's eomma and she strokes my hair and then she pets the elephant's trunk." Tae lied down next to Jiho, imagining what it would be like to snuggle close. But he didn't want to be kicked out, Kangwoo was probably still angry. "I'm not scared of ghosts. I like ghosts, I think it's a good thought."

He nodded his head and smiled. "I'll be a ghost when I die and then I'll always, always be in your room! Jiho-hyung will never be lonely."

"When people die, they go to the place up in the sky. That's where Eomma went. She probably does come down to see you, she can come down if she wants to but ... we can't see her." God, he missed eomma. So damn much. He wanted to cry just thinking about her. He remembered her hugs, he remembered her support, he remembered her getting sicker and sicker. "Ghosts are just visitors from the sky place. They just want to say hi."

Turning his head, he rolled his eyes at Tae, unsure why he wanted to be here and why he didn't want him to be lonely. Such a weird kid. He was so much like mom. No wonder Kangwoo could barely stand him. "I'll probably die first, Tae. Especially if I screw up at school again. Then I'll visit, I guess. Someone has to make sure you're not in trouble."

"Kangwoo-hyungnim says I am trouble!" Tae said it with a smile, since he figured he might as well. It was nicer than a lot of the other things Kangwoo said to him, at any rate. "I think eomma visits you a lot, cause... I dunno, you probably were good friends with her. I don't think I knew her well enough, but I have you." So that was all right. Maybe when he was with his hyung, their eomma liked to see them together.

"I would have been good friends with eomma. I'm sure she knows." He hoped she knew. He frowned, realising there was no way to tell. "I just wouldn't tell her that I waste space."

"You're not friends with your eomma, weirdo. You're just close with her. She's sweet. She always said that you were her little baby and you still would be if she was here. She'd see you the most." She always told Kangwoo and Jiho to look after Tae, to take care of him. Jiho tried, even if Tae stressed him out and he didn't have time. Kangwoo had totally abandoned everything he'd promised, he didn't even try.

"Well, you know - wasting space isn't a bad thing. The elephant wastes space but we're glad it's here." Jiho shrugged his shoulders, turning to look at Tae and watching his little frown. "There's so much space, someone has to waste it. The earth is so, so big and if we didn't fill some of the space then it'd be so empty." He smiled a little and reached out, bopping Tae on the nose. "I waste space too."

Tae beamed when his nose was bopped, putting both hands over it to capture the feeling. So nice! He thought about eomma calling him her little baby and it made him feel warm inside. He muttered the words as quietly as he could to better imagine them the way she'd have said it and smiled, feeling happier for it. "Thank you, hyung! You are the best!"

He moved closer to Jiho and then caught himself, clearing his throat and looking to the elephant instead. He didn't want to be kicked out. "I don't know eomma hugs, but I know hyung hugs. They are the best. I always think about them when I'm scared and then it's better. I have the best hyung!"

"I dunno. There are better hugs. There are better hyungs. I don't know why you think I'm better, you dork. I bet Kangwoo is better at hugging than I am." Jiho tilted his head to the side, watching Tae with a small hint of sadness. He never knew Eomma's hugs, not properly, he wasn't sure if that was a blessing or a curse. He didn't know proper love. Father was cold, Kangwoo was taking over and everyone else sucked.

"You're like Eomma. You give similar hugs." Jiho nodded his head a little, sprawling out, stretching and opening wide his arms as he yawned. "You're like ... if Eomma left behind a piece of herself for us. Too bad everyone forgot how special she was." And, by proxy, how special Taehyung was. "We won't forget. We'll never forget Eomma, will we?"

"Nuh-uh. Never. Eomma is the best!" Not that he really remembered her at all, but he trusted his hyung and he wanted it to be that way. He wasn't sure whether Jiho wanted a hug or not, but he finally dared to wrap his arms around him, his heart beating too fast and he whispered quickly. "Please don't kick me out! I can stand with the elephant and be quiet."

He just wanted to hug him for a little bit. His hyung was so warm. "I love you, hyung."

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thebias - 2019-01-17 23:29 (UTC) - Expand