"You have some death threats." Namjoon reported, a cheery topic to begin with. He tossed down a bunch of papers in a bundle and leaned on the counter, watching Yoongi unpack curiously. Usually he wouldn't stick around too long but ... black bean noodles were the best and he'd do anything for them. He did love himself some noodles, hence why he hauled ass through the house to get here. "The usual, I wouldn't concern yourself with them."
Anyone who was a high enough gangster, they got death threats. That was kind of how you knew you'd made it, really.
"Also I balanced the books and we've increased profits." So if Yoongi still planned on his very stupid idea... now was the time to act on it. "It's the best we've ever been, boss."
Yoongi put half the noodles - well, more than half - into a bowl for Namjoon and slid them over, wondering just how pathetic it was that he had taken a detour just to get the noodles he knew Namjoon liked best, simply because he knew it would mean that he'd sit with him for a while. Pretty damn pathetic, he concluded, as he filled a second bowl for himself.
"Good." In a manner of speaking, anyway. "So. How did your exams go?"
"Fine, I sat the higher level papers for English, Korean and Math... and I flew through them. Finished with fifteen minutes to spare, which was annoying." Cause then he had to just sit there, stare at the clock, in a room with five other people because this higher paper was college level. Namjoon was excelling remarkably, he had aced all of his previous exams, broken records in his school and won some awards. He had a ceremony. He had no one to invite though.
Well, he had Yoongi but he had business that night. Most nights. He was a gangster, after all. He sat down and pulled his bowl of noodles close, smiling very happily. This was the best part of his day. Of any day. "How did business go?"
"Boring too. Most people in this business are really stupid. Makes them dull." They also didn't have many interests outside the business. Girls, drugs, money. Didn't exactly make for interesting conversations. "You are too smart for this bullshit, really."
Namjoon was so remarkable. He loved how smart he was, he always had. He hated that he was held back by circumstances. "You are applying to universities, right? Nothing says you can't get the best education you want."
Besides, it would distance him, most likely. And that hurt, but that was for the best.
"I wouldn't have time." He had his job. The job that Yoongi didn't want him to have, the job that he didn't think he could do or something? There had to be a reason. A reason why he kept pushing him away and shutting him out. He tensed up, annoyed again but what could he do? Yoongi just wanted to get rid of him. Even now, he was trying to push him out, to get rid of him. They were bound together and one of them had to cave for them to ever part ways... and Namjoon refused to be the one to do it.
He was sworn to Yoongi, he served him loyally, it was in his blood. What more did he have to do to prove his loyalty?
"I have a job. And the nearest uni would be a two hour commute." Even if he wanted to go, it didn't matter. He knew what he was supposed to do. What he wanted to do... on good days, at least. "
"We could get you a place closer to the university. Wherever you go. Hell, even if you got into a place abroad. You are so good at English, I bet you could go to, like... Oxford. Harvard? Any of those fancy foreign schools." His knowledge about them was mostly from movies, but hey. At least he remembered the names. If Namjoon was in another country, maybe things would... Well. Maybe Namjoon could just move past all this.
"I mean, you are great at your job. Just saying, maybe you'd rather do something different. Like studying the ocean?" Yoongi tried a smile. "I want the best for you, Joon-ah." He hoped Namjoon knew that. He doubted it, but he tried to hope.
"Then let me do my job." Namjoon snapped because he couldn't help it. He forced himself to stop before he yelled because that was not allowed. He took a deep inhale and tried to calm down. The last time he had contact with his father, he told him that he was supposed to be more connected to Yoongi than anyone, that this was all he was to do with his life and while he hated it once... he was okay with it now. And he wanted to do it.
So why did Yoongi make it so hard. He was always pushing for him to leave. And no, he wasn't quite over being ditched either. Hobi and Ten were one thing but to try and ditch him? To ghost him? Fuck that. "I'll do whatever you wish, Yoongi-nim. You're not sending me away though. You don't have that right."
"It's not a right, I just... I want to give you the option." And he didn't want Namjoon to call him Yoongi-nim like this, but he knew he couldn't take that back now. Yoongi took a bite of noodles and focused on that, focused on the taste, tried not to think about all the things he feared and all the things that hurt him. Finally he just nodded, shrugging slightly. "If you want to stay here, I'm happy. There's no one better than you. I just don't want you to waste your potential."
And he wanted him safe. And maybe, selfishly, he also didn't want the reminder of all he had lost. All he was losing still. And he saw it in Namjoon's eyes and heard it in his voice, everything about Namjoon made it obvious. "Things will change for us again soon."
"It's not a waste if it's a job I'm good at. I'm good at it. Let me do it." He just wanted to work the job he was training for all his life. Yoongi just didn't seem to get it, maybe he just took him for granted? All of his life, since he was a small boy, he had been trained to do whatever Yoongi wanted. It was drilled into him. It was his life. So ... why did Yoongi keep trying to throw him away. Sure, he was being kinder about it now but that didn't change what he'd done in the past.
"Things need to change. You're supposed to lead the Min Clan. They won't be put at bay forever." And Yoongi's deal plan was ... not the most solid. "I would focus on that, not me."
"I will lead the clan." It was easy to say that as if it was a certainty. Easy to say that as if it was what he wanted, even. Yoongi wondered what the point of the trial really was. Just to show him what he'd miss for the rest of his life. "I will close this deal and then I can show what I've accomplished. Force my father to acknowledge me."
And if he didn't... "Or else I'll kill him." Not his first kill. Yoongi very vaguely remembered his father holding him. Hell, he remembered seeing him hold his baby brother. He didn't want to kill him. He wanted to... Whatever, go to a baseball game with him. The thought made him smile and he shook his head a little. "I'm focusing on that. Sorry. I just don't want to hold you back."
It would be easier, he thought, living knowing that Namjoon got to be happy somewhere away from him than living being resented by Namjoon.
"You're not the only one who has to do something because he has to do it. You're talking about me walking away as if I can, as if I'm not -- not important." As if he didn't matter to Yoongi. His heart clenched and he remembered when he'd woken up to Yoongi not there, just a message and that was it. He had to find him, had to fight just to stay with him. And it hurt, of course it hurt. He cried more then than he ever had but ... he didn't need Yoongi's money or to be set up with a good life. He just needed to do this.
"My whole family expects this of me. My father. It would be a great dishonour to my family. It's not holding back, it's not even a matter of that. I was raised to be yours and I am." And he was sorry that Yoongi didn't like it but he was here. Doing his duty.
Even if he wasn't wanted. He finished his noodles, not enjoying them as he might have usually. This conversation, like every conversation they had, just went nowhere good. "I'll keep fighting to be worthy, Yoongi-nim."
"You are worthy, Joon-ah." Damn it. "You are incredibly smart, you are tall, handsome, you are loyal and you have good instincts."
He wished he could make Namjoon understand what he was doing, but he supposed it really was inevitable. He looked at Namjoon and he felt so far removed from him. Yoongi reached for his hand, not even sure what he was doing there. "I'm the one that has to be worthy. Not you."
Worthy of his loyalty. Worthy of everyone's loyalty. Worthy of people ready to die for him. Follow him. Damn. Yoongi wondered if he'd ever feel like that. It was more likely he would lie to everyone forever. Pretend to be what he wasn't.
"If you cared so much then why did you leave me?" Damn it, he didn't mean to say that aloud. Somewhat overwhelmed and flustered, Namjoon got up and pushed his plate away. "I'm not hungry... I-- I have an exam tomorrow. Geography. I hate it, I -- I gotta revise so I'm gonna head out."
Because he couldn't do this, he didn't want to hear why Yoongi left, he didn't want to argue any more. He was 'worthy' and yet... he didn't feel like it. He just felt like he didn't belong with the person he was supposed to belong with.
The person he... he just wanted Yoongi to like him. "I'm going to the library." He lowered his head, walking hastily away from Yoongi. "I'll... I'll come back later. Maybe." Whatever.
"Okay. If it's not too late, we could watch a movie." Yoongi wasn't sure why it felt like an empty offer. He wanted to do it, it wasn't like he had much else going on. He just didn't feel like it was going to happen and that made it feel like he was just saying it to say something.
"I care about you. A lot." And he pulled his hand back, curling his fingers in.
"Maybe... I have a lot to do. I-- I'll try to be home before midnight." He wanted to watch a movie with hyung. He wanted to sit on the couch, watch Tazza and just enjoy how happy that movie made Yoongi. It was so fun to watch it with him. He just wanted things to be okay, he didn't want it to be like this. "I care about you a lot too. You're my hyung, I--"
He loved him. He just couldn't say it. He choked on it, nervous and afraid. "I'll be back for a movie." He turned around to swiftly pull on his shoes, just needing some air to get his head around everything.
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Anyone who was a high enough gangster, they got death threats. That was kind of how you knew you'd made it, really.
"Also I balanced the books and we've increased profits." So if Yoongi still planned on his very stupid idea... now was the time to act on it. "It's the best we've ever been, boss."
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"Good." In a manner of speaking, anyway. "So. How did your exams go?"
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Well, he had Yoongi but he had business that night. Most nights. He was a gangster, after all. He sat down and pulled his bowl of noodles close, smiling very happily. This was the best part of his day. Of any day. "How did business go?"
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Namjoon was so remarkable. He loved how smart he was, he always had. He hated that he was held back by circumstances. "You are applying to universities, right? Nothing says you can't get the best education you want."
Besides, it would distance him, most likely. And that hurt, but that was for the best.
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He was sworn to Yoongi, he served him loyally, it was in his blood. What more did he have to do to prove his loyalty?
"I have a job. And the nearest uni would be a two hour commute." Even if he wanted to go, it didn't matter. He knew what he was supposed to do. What he wanted to do... on good days, at least. "
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"I mean, you are great at your job. Just saying, maybe you'd rather do something different. Like studying the ocean?" Yoongi tried a smile. "I want the best for you, Joon-ah." He hoped Namjoon knew that. He doubted it, but he tried to hope.
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So why did Yoongi make it so hard. He was always pushing for him to leave. And no, he wasn't quite over being ditched either. Hobi and Ten were one thing but to try and ditch him? To ghost him? Fuck that. "I'll do whatever you wish, Yoongi-nim. You're not sending me away though. You don't have that right."
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And he wanted him safe. And maybe, selfishly, he also didn't want the reminder of all he had lost. All he was losing still. And he saw it in Namjoon's eyes and heard it in his voice, everything about Namjoon made it obvious. "Things will change for us again soon."
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"Things need to change. You're supposed to lead the Min Clan. They won't be put at bay forever." And Yoongi's deal plan was ... not the most solid. "I would focus on that, not me."
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And if he didn't... "Or else I'll kill him." Not his first kill. Yoongi very vaguely remembered his father holding him. Hell, he remembered seeing him hold his baby brother. He didn't want to kill him. He wanted to... Whatever, go to a baseball game with him. The thought made him smile and he shook his head a little. "I'm focusing on that. Sorry. I just don't want to hold you back."
It would be easier, he thought, living knowing that Namjoon got to be happy somewhere away from him than living being resented by Namjoon.
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"My whole family expects this of me. My father. It would be a great dishonour to my family. It's not holding back, it's not even a matter of that. I was raised to be yours and I am." And he was sorry that Yoongi didn't like it but he was here. Doing his duty.
Even if he wasn't wanted. He finished his noodles, not enjoying them as he might have usually. This conversation, like every conversation they had, just went nowhere good. "I'll keep fighting to be worthy, Yoongi-nim."
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He wished he could make Namjoon understand what he was doing, but he supposed it really was inevitable. He looked at Namjoon and he felt so far removed from him. Yoongi reached for his hand, not even sure what he was doing there. "I'm the one that has to be worthy. Not you."
Worthy of his loyalty. Worthy of everyone's loyalty. Worthy of people ready to die for him. Follow him. Damn. Yoongi wondered if he'd ever feel like that. It was more likely he would lie to everyone forever. Pretend to be what he wasn't.
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Because he couldn't do this, he didn't want to hear why Yoongi left, he didn't want to argue any more. He was 'worthy' and yet... he didn't feel like it. He just felt like he didn't belong with the person he was supposed to belong with.
The person he... he just wanted Yoongi to like him. "I'm going to the library." He lowered his head, walking hastily away from Yoongi. "I'll... I'll come back later. Maybe." Whatever.
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"I care about you. A lot." And he pulled his hand back, curling his fingers in.
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He loved him. He just couldn't say it. He choked on it, nervous and afraid. "I'll be back for a movie." He turned around to swiftly pull on his shoes, just needing some air to get his head around everything.