"Namjoon is the best brother," Tae said immediately, "He'd do anything for me."
He couldn't and wouldn't accept any other reality, but that didn't change that he got it. Jungkook was afraid. Of course he was. "I won't... I won't let him kill you. I want you alive, see? He says he'll make you what I want, and I want you to be alive, so he won't kill you. Okay?"
Surely that was the solution. "I'll ask for that, only for that. I don't want you to... Just, alive. Happy. I-- I'm sorry, I didn't know he'd do this. Not like this."
"If he's such a good brother, why doesn't he let you get better? He tells you not to take the pills, doesn't he? And the therapy and... that's not what a good brother does. They help." And all Namjoon did was use him. Exploit him. He didn't understand how Tae was okay with any of this.
Protectively, he kept distance and held himself, afraid and tired, so very tired, his body hurt and he wanted to go home. He wanted to get the train to Busan and confess his failings to his parents, he wanted the love they'd give him.
"They killed Soo-hyun and--and, God, they killed so many guards." And he didn't like his odds, despite what Tae said. He huffed out a sad laugh and rested his forehead against his knees. "I did it, by the way. I got my drivers license. I was gonna drive the mini bus ... gonna get paid a bonus for it too. We were gonna go to the beach."
He had been hoping, just a little, that Tae would be in that passenger seat, getting better and doing well. "I was going to stop off at the arcade... for you. I know you like games."
"I'm sorry. I wanted that." Tae could feel his eyes fill with tears and he held his head. It was his fault. He didn't even deserve to cry over it, that Jungkook was here right now, it was his fault. That he wouldn't go on a trip and stop by an arcade and that Jungkook would never smile at him the way he did that made his heart beat faster, that was all his fault. "You are so nice. I like that. Most men aren't nice. I want you to be okay and then you can get out of here and you can live happily and it will be good. Yeah?"
Did that make anything okay? Probably not. He just wanted something nice, but nothing about this was nice and his throat hurt from holding back his tears. "Joonie-hyung's protecting me. He does it wrong sometimes, but he doesn't like being wrong." So he couldn't really tell him when he disagreed, or Namjoon would go cold on him and he couldn't deal with that.
"I just wanted a normal life. Like they have it on television. I know I can't have it." He wouldn't get a trip to the beach or the arcade and he'd definitely never have a boyfriend to hold hands with or play games. "I think it's better to have no life, for me. I make everything like this. Always. There's blood everywhere and pain and it's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"You're sick, I-- I don't blame you." He mostly blamed Namjoon. He didn't know how to get out of this alive but he knew that maybe Tae was his best bet. Slowly, he slid from his seat and crawled over to Tae, wondering if he felt as shit as Jungkook felt too or if this was just some act. He thought Jimin was a sweet boy and then he saw him, splattered with blood and looking way too happy to catch them.
Raising his hand, he tentatively petted Tae's head, not sure what else to do. "You don't have to make everything blood and pain. You can get better. You still have your pills, right? Keep taking them." Even in a riot, maybe he could just keep him stable and keep himself alive.
"Why can't you have a normal life? I haven't seen you kill anyone here, you're not dangerous, you're a good guy - you want to be, don't you? So-- So protect me." God, he wanted him to. So badly. "Make sure I survive and I'll-- I'll make sure we still get to go to the arcade one day. Okay?"
It was worth a shot. He smiled, sad and scared but doing his best to be encouraging. "That's what adults do. We make deals. So you keep me alive, I'll take you outside." He held out his hand to Tae, it was literally trembling. "Deal?"
"I will protect you, but we don't have to make that deal... That's not going to happen, right? People don't keep promises, only Namjoon does." Everyone else just said whatever. Usually they lied or they just couldn't make it happen. Adults lied a lot. He supposed in that sense, Jungkook was right. Still, he took his hand. "I will protect you. I want you to be safe, that's all I want. I'll make sure."
He wished he could hug Jungkook again, but not really. He wished he could hug the Jungkook that he dreamed about sometimes, the one that Namjoon had meant to give him. It was silly though, that Jungkook didn't really exist. Things didn't come true like that. "We can make a different deal. I'll keep you alive and then you-- You have to go and be all normal. And grow up and... I don't know. Pet a puppy."
"I'm not lying. I like you. I like the idea of you getting better, of everyone getting better. I talked to Jin-hyung about it once or twice." He was an interesting man, he explained the patients better and Jungkook had hoped for them, he wanted them to do well. Although he was a bit more afraid now. He wished he still had his phone, he didn't know what Hobi did with it. "On my phone, I don't know where it is but -- but my amazon account. I brought the new Zelda recently. A second copy. I was going to give it to you after your review. Jin said you were doing better and I thought it'd be cool."
He did that sometimes. He also got a guy on the first floor a new book on moths, his particular obsession, when he'd managed to stay on his pills for three months. Jin always said encouragement was key to positive progress.
"I dunno, puppies scare me a little." What? They bit! "What if I get someone to bring a puppy here if you're all good. They say animals help with rehabilitation. I guess you guys wouldn't have rioted if puppies were at stake."
"Jin-hyung is a lot better. And he never touches me or tries to make me suck his dick." So, hey, that was pretty good, as far as Tae was concerned. "Some do it. When I get certain ways, it's pretty easy to talk me into things."
In a way, Tae supposed he knew why Namjoon was so protective over him. He just didn't know why it always went too far. "I love Zelda... I played so much, on the N64. Always wanted to dress up like Link." That would have been cool.
"Puppies are so cute. It'd be cool to have animals sometimes. This place isn't all that nice. That's why I really wanted to go on a trip... I don't know." Namjoon said this was better. This was their freedom.
So far, he didn't like it so much. "I like the pills Jin-hyung gave me. I-- I like Jin-hyung, I hope that's not why Namjoon..." Why Namjoon called dibs. Damn. "Min Yoongi's not on me though! I don't know him well. He's Namjoon's." Namjoon's something. Whatever.
"If we get some time and it's safe, maybe we could find Jin hyung and he can help us, yeah? He's so smart. And he cares so much about you. No one... no one wants to suck your dick, not with us. Me, Jin -- Yoongi. We'll help." He smiled a little, his hand still trembling, the fear making him feel sick as he took Tae's hand manually and shook it. There. A deal.
"We'll go outside one day and we'll make things better, don't worry. We'll help you."
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He couldn't and wouldn't accept any other reality, but that didn't change that he got it. Jungkook was afraid. Of course he was. "I won't... I won't let him kill you. I want you alive, see? He says he'll make you what I want, and I want you to be alive, so he won't kill you. Okay?"
Surely that was the solution. "I'll ask for that, only for that. I don't want you to... Just, alive. Happy. I-- I'm sorry, I didn't know he'd do this. Not like this."
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Protectively, he kept distance and held himself, afraid and tired, so very tired, his body hurt and he wanted to go home. He wanted to get the train to Busan and confess his failings to his parents, he wanted the love they'd give him.
"They killed Soo-hyun and--and, God, they killed so many guards." And he didn't like his odds, despite what Tae said. He huffed out a sad laugh and rested his forehead against his knees. "I did it, by the way. I got my drivers license. I was gonna drive the mini bus ... gonna get paid a bonus for it too. We were gonna go to the beach."
He had been hoping, just a little, that Tae would be in that passenger seat, getting better and doing well. "I was going to stop off at the arcade... for you. I know you like games."
no subject
Did that make anything okay? Probably not. He just wanted something nice, but nothing about this was nice and his throat hurt from holding back his tears. "Joonie-hyung's protecting me. He does it wrong sometimes, but he doesn't like being wrong." So he couldn't really tell him when he disagreed, or Namjoon would go cold on him and he couldn't deal with that.
"I just wanted a normal life. Like they have it on television. I know I can't have it." He wouldn't get a trip to the beach or the arcade and he'd definitely never have a boyfriend to hold hands with or play games. "I think it's better to have no life, for me. I make everything like this. Always. There's blood everywhere and pain and it's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
no subject
Raising his hand, he tentatively petted Tae's head, not sure what else to do. "You don't have to make everything blood and pain. You can get better. You still have your pills, right? Keep taking them." Even in a riot, maybe he could just keep him stable and keep himself alive.
"Why can't you have a normal life? I haven't seen you kill anyone here, you're not dangerous, you're a good guy - you want to be, don't you? So-- So protect me." God, he wanted him to. So badly. "Make sure I survive and I'll-- I'll make sure we still get to go to the arcade one day. Okay?"
It was worth a shot. He smiled, sad and scared but doing his best to be encouraging. "That's what adults do. We make deals. So you keep me alive, I'll take you outside." He held out his hand to Tae, it was literally trembling. "Deal?"
no subject
He wished he could hug Jungkook again, but not really. He wished he could hug the Jungkook that he dreamed about sometimes, the one that Namjoon had meant to give him. It was silly though, that Jungkook didn't really exist. Things didn't come true like that. "We can make a different deal. I'll keep you alive and then you-- You have to go and be all normal. And grow up and... I don't know. Pet a puppy."
no subject
He did that sometimes. He also got a guy on the first floor a new book on moths, his particular obsession, when he'd managed to stay on his pills for three months. Jin always said encouragement was key to positive progress.
"I dunno, puppies scare me a little." What? They bit! "What if I get someone to bring a puppy here if you're all good. They say animals help with rehabilitation. I guess you guys wouldn't have rioted if puppies were at stake."
no subject
In a way, Tae supposed he knew why Namjoon was so protective over him. He just didn't know why it always went too far. "I love Zelda... I played so much, on the N64. Always wanted to dress up like Link." That would have been cool.
"Puppies are so cute. It'd be cool to have animals sometimes. This place isn't all that nice. That's why I really wanted to go on a trip... I don't know." Namjoon said this was better. This was their freedom.
So far, he didn't like it so much. "I like the pills Jin-hyung gave me. I-- I like Jin-hyung, I hope that's not why Namjoon..." Why Namjoon called dibs. Damn. "Min Yoongi's not on me though! I don't know him well. He's Namjoon's." Namjoon's something. Whatever.
no subject
"We'll go outside one day and we'll make things better, don't worry. We'll help you."
Whatever it took so he didn't have to die.