powerboys | I told you I'm a monster

"Then leave my baby brother alone." He knew he shouldn't call him that, he wasn't a baby any more but he still thought of him that way. So small and fragile, holding him in his arms and trying to protect him from dad. His heart clenched to think that anyone but him would hold his brother and try to protect him. "You can't help me, you don't even know what's wrong with me."

Admittedly, that was his fault but he didn't feel like sharing. "You don't get me or Tae, you can't just insert yourself into our lives."

"Please calm down, Namjoon. I'm not trying to take over for you. I know you are always there to protect your brother. I just think that together, we could help him let go of some of what he carries around with him." Jin knew a bit about their history, from the files and from disjointed things Tae told him every now and then. He was good at piecing things together. "I don't want to see him cry anymore, you know? Just like you."

Because, yes, he did hold Tae and try to protect him. He just didn't know how to make it better. "Do you want to leave? I'll call Jungkook."

"He cried to you?" Namjoon stilled and stopped fighting, feeling a sinking sensation in his stomach. He was going to have to talk to Tae, he was getting attached again. He knew what happened, he knew how bad that could be. Just like Namjoon knew acting out right now wasn't the smart move. He was losing control and if he lost control, he lost power. "Apologies." He breathed in and out, calming himself. "I love my brother, I don't like when he's hurting."

Looking up at Jin, he relaxed his body and forced himself to ease up, slumping back into the chair. With a very small smile, Namjoon hoped he looked calm enough to stay and regain the balance here. "So you have me and Taehyung as your patients? Who else do you have cause right now, I think they dumped all the duds on you."

"As you pointed out yourself, that's not really professional to disclose. The only reason I ever mentioned Tae to you is that I honestly believe that the two of you need each other to heal." Jin did try to be professional, as much as he also wanted to be kind. Usually it wasn't really a problem. He sat back down, since Namjoon seemed to have relaxed, at least outwardly.

"I don't consider you or your brother a dud. You are very smart and that naturally makes you resistant to therapy, but I feel we are getting along at least." That was something.

"No, we're duds. You got screwed. You're new so they dumped all the awkward cases on you. Let me guess, did you also get Hobi? Oh boy. You're in for fun there. If you got Jiminie, I hope you can get him to eat soon." Jimin was having another one of his manipulative little 'I'm so weak, help me' moods and he never ate during those. He got his way and he got to be a delicate little prince.

"If he told you he's eating, he's not. He gave his lunch away." Little happened here that Namjoon didn't know about, he had a gift for it. "I don't blame him, the food here is rancid. You ever tried it?"

"I know, it's disgusting. I shared my lunch with Jimin, he seemed to prefer that." Jin was really trying to improve the food situation, but unfortunately that was a deep rooted issue. Luckily Jimin seemed unable to resist rice balls when they were shaped like bears, so that had worked in his favour. He had a few tricks up his sleeve after all. "You know so much about everyone here. Do you see them as your friends?"

"Oh yes, of course." Nope. He had no friends, he had people around him he could use but there was no point it explaining that to Jin, he'd never get it. "I've been here a long time, I like to take care of people." In his own way. Dependency was the best way to get what he needed and he always gave them all what they wanted. "There are some things I really wish I could do for them but -- well, I can't."

Lowering his head, he bit his lower lip and shrugged. "It's such simple things and I can't do them. Like Tae, he wanted me to get him something today but I can't do it. I feel like a failure and -- and I can't focus." He looked anguished, almost close to tears. "I just want to be a good brother."

"I see." That hardly fit the diagnosis he had of Namjoon, but it would if he was playing it up. Jin wanted to believe him, but it was hard to imagine that the man he had gotten to know would so readily admit to caring about people other than his brother and that he'd look this worried about it all. However, maybe he was wrong. Maybe there really was something to it. "What did you want to get Tae?"

"I just ... whenever me and Tae were kids and he had a bad day, I'd go down town, across the street to the laundromat and I'd get something from the vending machine for him. He loved snickers, you know? And there's a vending machine in this hallway, right fucking there, and I can't go near it cause I'm a patient. And every day, they drag Tae passed it and he looks at it. He wants a treat and--" Namjoon's voice cracked a little and he hissed, looking off elsewhere to avoid looking at Jin, flushing in embarrassment. "I just want to get my damn brother some candy. He asks every time I see him and I fail every time. I got the lousy fifty cents but they won't even let me get close. I tried last time and they beat the shit out of me."

His breath noticeably shuddered as he exhaled, his hurt clear. "People don't know what it's like. To love someone like I love Tae. I'd do anything for him."

"I see." Interesting. It was just so interesting how differently Namjoon suddenly acted with him. What had brought the change on? Jin's eyes narrowed, but he was looking at Namjoon, wondering how much of it was real. He knew that he loved Tae, that much was a given. But everything else? Jin frowned, leaning forward and thinking. "How about I give Tae some candy then? I bet he'd love that as well. You said he likes snickers? I can get those."

"Figures." Namjoon huffed and turned his head away, his face falling. "I knew I shouldn't have trusted you. You're all the same. You just .. you take my kind gesture for Tae and you steal it, use it to manipulate him. Forget it, forget I said anything." Gritted his teeth, Namjoon looked down and tugged on his restrained. "The last guy did the same thing and I just -- I want to give my brother something nice from the vending machine and everyone has to make it about them."

Looking down, he sagged in the chair, tired and defeated. "Fine, whatever, as long as he gets it I guess. It's not just about the candy, it's the machine and -- you can tell when it's from a machine. It has a feel and it's cool to touch. Always cool. I know, I once used a candy bar to keep my swelling down."

"I am trying to understand, Namjoon. If I give Tae candy, of course I'd tell him that it's from you. You always think that everyone is out to take from you. I suppose that makes sense, given your experiences." Jin sighed and wished he had an easy solution to this. He knew that Namjoon was trying to manipulate him, but he didn't know to what end or why. What would be the harm in a candy bar from a vending machine?

"I can ask Jungkook to let you buy the candy."

"Everyone is out to get me. You got files full of writing on me and it's all a load of crap but you'll follow it like your bible, won't you? Bet you think I'm playing you cause I want to get some candy from a damn machine." Namjoon sighed and looked up, meeting Jin's eyes. "It's candy. Cold, cheap candy I want to hand to my brother. It's not like either one of us benefits that much from it."

Still, he was close to his end game and he nodded a little, accepting the answer. "If he'll let me, I would really appreciate it." He bowed forward a little. "Maybe -- Maybe we can work on trust. Maybe." Licking his lips, he fidgeted nervously in his chair. "No Tae yet. I need to know you're trustworthy."

"I tend to mostly make up my own mind, actually. But obviously my job is to try and figure you out and I think you might see it as your job to keep me from doing exactly that." And to play him. He was certain of that, Namjoon was too intelligent to not try and do that. But he wanted Tae to have the candy now.

"I'll ask Jungkook. Maybe he wants Tae to get candy too."

"Make your own judgements just don't listen to my file. You know, it's entirely wrong. I could get a highlighter and happily strike out everything wrong in that thing. I'm not tell you I'm sane and I'm not saying some of it isn't right but most of it is bullshit." Namjoon shrugged his shoulder and looked over his shoulder, eyeing up where Jungkook was probably waiting outside. He was a good boy, he better stay that way.

"I like when the guards stay away from my Tae. One minute they're being nice to him, the next they're trying to fuck him in the bathroom and I'm coaxing my baby brother out from under his bed." Never again. "These guards are pigs."

"Yes. I realise that would be a danger with your brother." For obvious reasons. Sweet looks, often also a sweet personality and seeming oblivious enough that he wouldn't even quite realise what was happening. Of course, that didn't excuse it. Not with him, not with Jimin, not with anyone, and Jin did what he could to prevent any misbehaviour. "Jungkook wouldn't do that, however. Tae just likes him."

Jin shrugged his shoulders and got up. "We will make sure your brother stays safe."

"Thank you." Namjoon meant it, it was probably the first thing he meant in this session. No, Jin would not, he wouldn't have any power soon enough but he liked that he wanted to try. It was sweet. He looked up at Jin, his smile oddly soft. Where was Jin about ten years ago when he could have used his help? "You're a nice guy. I can see it. You have a soft heart... bet you're secretly terrifying when pissed though."

He let out a small, amused little chuckle. "Did you really mean it about the books? Cause I-- I wasn't sure if you meant it."

"I did. There is actually new books in the library already. You will have to check it out soon." He'd mostly donated them himself, but whatever. It seemed like a very worthwhile way to spend his money. "I hope they'll be worth reading for you." Maybe he was actually getting through to Namjoon. He wished it was easier to tell.

"I don't know how terrifying I ever am. Mostly I think I just get loud." Jim smiled in a self-deprecating way and shrugged his shoulders. "I'll just try not to get pissed off."

"I hope not. I don't like when -- never mind." He smiled at Jin and bowed, waiting to be undone and for Kookie to come, same old routine. Except he got to get his candy bar from the machine. Oh yeah, Jin as going to be an easy one. Poor bastard. He'd call dibs later on today, just so he could keep him safe when it all kicked off.

The count down had started.

I told you I'm a monster

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