"Bit like a super villain in an anime." If he was honest. "Longish hair, black and white, you have a black suit and gloves. Sometimes you turn up with a mask. Once a crow beak mask thing ... I painted that once." He conjured up the image of his painting for Minjun to see. "You scream revolution and chaos to me, that's why you scare me."
Gyungho didn't love that. "I both need you and fear you."
"...oh." Minjun stared at the image Gyungho was showing him and he wasn't sure what he felt. Joy at being seen. Fear at being rejected. It was strange, now that he thought about it. Someone knowing him, truly knowing him, on a deeper level than even Sangwoo. Someone who already had his heart. "Why do you fear me? I see your art. You have it too. You feel chaos. You want things to change. Isn't that true?"
"I do but I'm not brave, I'm not strong and I don't like to fight. I suppose I'm lazy and cruel in many ways. Cause I should and I don't... but I don't think I could. I'm too weak." He was afraid of failure, afraid of losing and afraid of himself. It was all there, all in his art and in his writing - he was scared of failing and looking a fool.
"How can I do something I feel I'm destined to fail at?"
"Because you aren't destined to fail. And if you were, then it would be bound to happen anyway, so why not try?" Minjun turned around again so he could properly look at Gyungho, trying to catch his eyes. Beautiful. But fear, yes, he could see that on his face as well. "Maybe it's just a matter of having something to fight for. Something that makes it all worthwhile."
"I can't promise you I can but I will try to be the man you think I am. I just don't think I am that man." He didn't know if he could take that chance and hurt his eomma in such a way. He was the man on the family these days, his appa fought to make them respectable and to lose it all in a gamble of fate? Seemed dangerous. "Find me and convince me."
"I'll try. Because I'm scared to start the fight without my heart. Something like this... A rebellion shouldn't be started by a heartless man, right?" Minjun wished he didn't suddenly feel so afraid, in a way he hadn't anticipated. Fear wasn't an emotion that he felt often, but here he was now. Realising how much he depended on this man, who he'd never met for real. Not in this life anyway. "Have you ever let me down? Have I ever endangered you?"
In any other life? He wished he knew the answer and yet he was afraid to know it.
"How can I know? I only know you in dreams. We've never -- I don't know if you would or could. I just know that we won't find out until we know each other in the real world." A dream was a dream, only so much could happen there. He was limited in what he could do and how he could feel. No promises mattered really, no thoughts stayed long. He'd probably forget it in a month, he didn't retain dreams long.
Minjun nodded and then he reached up and ran his thumb across Gyungho's lip, streaking it with black paint. Maybe that was all he was. Maybe that was all he'd do to him. "I'll find you. Maybe it's selfish. But I hope you'll be happy to be found." It was all he had dreamed of, ever since he first came to understand what a soulmate was. Rejection, he feared that.
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Gyungho didn't love that. "I both need you and fear you."
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"How can I do something I feel I'm destined to fail at?"
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In any other life? He wished he knew the answer and yet he was afraid to know it.
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"Find your heart before you start the fight."
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